Ssh...

Give all my secrets away.

A part of me wishes that I don't get in that school. I remember last Sunday when my dad asked me, "Ano'ng gagawin mo 'pag di ka pumasa sa [insert school here]?" I answered, "Ayaw kong mag-aral sa hindi [school 1] or [school 2]." Maybe it was the alcohol, I don't know, but it was the most honest answer I gave my dad since I can't remember when. I added that I will get a job, in a pharmaceutical company or a mining company, and retake the NMAT on December and retry my applications. What my dad said after was the most encouraging words I heard from him whenever I consider taking a different career. He told me that the company he works for is hiring biologists, although that job is only available abroad. At that moment, I thought he was considering it - that I can opt not to go to med school. I should have told him that I would love to get a master's degree in Microbiology instead. Because right now, that's what I want.

If I stay in UP, I will have a higher chance of getting an opportunity to get a PhD abroad. My thoughts about getting a PhD are still unsure, but I have already laid out my plans after graduation if ever my dad allows me to drop medicine. I will enroll in the MS Microbiology program right after graduation and teach part-time. After around two years, I can get a PhD or enter the industry. I promise I won't get stuck in the academe - it's the only thing I fear in getting a master's degree. If my dad won't allow me to study right after graduation, I will get a job, and then get a master's degree.

I actually made a list of the pros and cons of medicine and biology. What I discovered is that studying medicine will grant me five years of housing, food, clothing, gas, and everything paid for my parents, and that when I turn 30, it's the only time I will actually experience being an adult. Studying microbiology, on the other hand, will take all those housing, food, clothing, gas, and etc. allowance from me, but it will give me independence and happiness. There was this time when I gave our dog antibiotics and I felt...happy and warm. It's as if I would be happier giving our dog her medications than giving a human patient his. My dad also noticed that - that I take care of our dogs very well. He even said that maybe I should take veterinary medicine instead. Is that a sign?

Now I have to find a way to tell my dad about this decision soon so I can inform the Institute that I want to join the Microbiology group. And that I will accept teaching load.

I may have some mild depression. I have been down for around three weeks now - breaking down and sleeping a lot. I have lost a lot of weight - I know because my pants have become loose. I was actually considering telling my dad about this to ask him to get me a psychologist. What's worse is that I may have become alcohol-dependent - drinking just so the problems will go away and I can laugh my heart out.  But there's no need to worry, I did not initiate any drinking session this week because I am trying to cure myself. If I find myself sulking and crying again next week, I swear I'll tell my dad about this.

Here's another secret. Well, it's not actually a secret, but it will remain so until he notices. As difficult and painful as it is, I am setting him free. I only hope that I can get a little credit, a tap on the back and a heartfelt thanks. Just so I'll know it was worth it. Because right now I don't really know where to stand.

The Irony of Life

When you looked at the bright side of everything,
When you found time for family, friends, and work,
When you loved and expected nothing,
When you shared that smile to a stranger,
When you inspired the uninspired,
When you hoped for the hopeless.


When you finished something long before it's due,
When you finished something right before it's due,
When you believed in the doubtful.


When you let go for love,
When you let your heart break in exchange for his happiness,
When you needed him but you let him go,
When you silenced your protests,
When you cried but showed laughter,
When you did everything you could,
When you gave everything you had,
When you felt the most painful,
When you swallowed all your pride.

And that one person you did all those for took no notice.

Bring the hell weeks on

Today is officially the first day of my [hopefully] last semester as an undergraduate. And tonight is a lazy night where there are no reports to be written, scientific papers to be read, lectures to be studied, data to be processed, and events to be planned. Tonight is also an unfortunate night because I am sick when I haven't even been stressed yet. Now I am trying to get to sleep because I don't want to be late tomorrow and I'm saving all my free cuts for next year, preferably on February and March. The funny thing is I can't sleep because I'm not tired. And now I suddenly missed those stressful weeks when a minute is too precious to waste - when my mind is concentrated on nothing but school and it doesn't go pondering on other things that won't do me good.

Tonight my mind is pondering on those things which won't do me good. I can't wait for reports, scientific papers, books, my thesis, and event plans to pile on my bed while I sort them out and find which one needs to be attended immediately. Not getting enough sleep because of work is so much better than not getting enough sleep because of some shallow feelings. I can't wait for work to take my mind off unwanted feelings. I know it's temporary, but that's what works. I used to think that one should sort and/or fix his baggage so he could forget. But then I can't forget because I don't find it forgettable nor forgivable. I'll fix my own stuff in time. Until then, I'll work hard and serve selflessly.

Because that's what it takes to keep the story unfolding.

Three More Months

First wave of exams is over so I'm using this exam-free week to catch up with my thesis and, hopefully, maybe meet the deadlines I set for myself.

Let me tell you how I prepared myself for thesis week right after exam week. I watched Ice Age 4 and The Amazing Spiderman. I stress-ate at Burger King and I got bangs. I've been itching to have my hair cut short again, but hey, this is the longest hair I have had since I graduated from high school. For reasons I unconsciously make, I have never grown my hair long since 2009. And there's this creative shot we have to make for graduation photos and my friends want my hair long when the shot is taken.

I bought this oh-so precise ruler for my thesis. Measuring my specimens is difficult, but I'm enjoying using my new ruler. I should have bought calipers  for convenience, but it might damage my hard-earned specimens.

The reason I'm writing despite my busy schedule is that I miss you, Blogspot. I've been meaning to write fiction to satisfy these feelings stirring inside me but with everything going around, I can't seem to find time. And I'm sorta lacking inspiration. Maybe I'll write one some time this week.

I just want this term to end. For several reasons...

I feel like I'm the personification of stress right now.

The first month is over. And there are still four months left before the semester ends. I'm so tired that I feel like the semester is almost over. I'm not even half-way there! Every day is a busy day, seriously. I don't even have time to bring my clothes to laundry service. I go home late and I go to school early. My body feels so used. And I have this problem in coping with stress, it started just this month. I'm trying so hard to break the habit. Maybe I should switch to ice cream instead.

Thesis. My adviser is asking too much from my thesis. I don't even know where to start. And I have three unidentified specimens. I hope they're new species :>

Org stuff. 'Nuff said.

Cell biology, animal physiology, plant systematics. They're killing me. I can't wait to graduate and leave for med school. I want a fresh start. A reset. No history.

I'm thinking of getting a planner because I have so many deadlines to beat. Every week I have at least two things to submit or accomplish. But I scrapped that idea of getting myself a planner because (1) so far, I have never missed a deadline and (2) I don't want my life planned. I mean, I have plans - go to med school, travel around the world, have Siberian huskies. It's just that I feel my whole life has been planned since I was little and all I get to decide are minor ones like which courses to take this semester, what to wear today, who to be friends with. With a planner, I'll feel even more pressured. I just need a little spontaneity, that's all.

You know what, it's funny I still have time to think about other things with all those deadlines in my head. I still get the chance to stop and spare a thought for you. Maybe I'll just study more and get better than average grades. Or maybe jog around the campus to lose all the weight I accumulated from stress-eating/drinking. Maybe write a story or learn a new song in the piano. I don't know. Anything to fill those gaps in my clock. Because lately I have been longing to find someone to talk/rant to after each stressful day. Oh wait. There's Frank.

Sem-Starter Post

I should be telling you how exciting (and equally tiring) my summer was - chasing dragonflies and damselflies, climbing mountains, and swimming in the beach, but let me tell you tell you how I feel right now first.

School starts tomorrow and like most students, I'm not yet ready. Not even a little. My class starts at 7:30 AM and I'm still here at home, which means I have to travel around two hours to be at school before class. You see, I haven't found an apartment yet. I'm not even enrolled yet! I guess the best thing that happened to me this week was getting my thesis proposal approved. And maybe slowly starting to get a grip on my chairperson responsibilities whatever. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. This is the first time I proved to myself that high school is way different from college. That college is not just high school with more expensive books, like Serena van der Woodsen once said. And for the first time since that stupid summer, I felt like myself again, alive and strong. But still, those responsibilities are killing me. I never get some me-time! And then there's my thesis. Thank God, I'm halfway done with it. But my thesis adviser's really, really keen in dissecting your paper; he won't stop until you're sweating blood.

I'd like to start telling you about my summer and show you photos of my dragonfly and damselfly collection, but I need a place to stay in until Thursday night. I need to find a place I can settle in until even just the end of the semester. I'm sorry for the shameless ranting, but I bet no one reads this blog anyway. It's just that...I'm not spending the night drinking and celebrating the beginning of the semester like I always do. But things change. And so do people.

PS

See my About Me section over there? It says there GRADUATING, yay! But I don't really want to leave. Not just yet.

For One Hell of a Sem

Tomorrow morning I'm finally going home to stay. My semester is officially over. Thank God. I finished packing two-thirds of my stuff yesterday. Tomorrow I'll pack the remaining third - dirty laundry and small stuff my handbag can carry. I bought a balikbayan box to stuff them in. Upon sorting my things, I found my bluebooks from way back my first semester in UP.

Those aren't all of them, I don't know where my other bluebooks had gone. The one on top is an exam in Philosophy 1. I kept it because it's the only exam where I got full points for my essay. And I enjoyed my Philo 1 with Sir Rubicon Soberano.


Under those bluebooks are my Math 17, 53, and 54 exams, Chem 16 exams, the only Chem 31 exam I passed, Geog 1 exam, Bio 12 and 180 exams, and...I can't remember the others.

I also found my first ever Form 5! I threw away all my other Form 5's since they had a different look since my second year. The new Form 5 just looked like a black print on white paper. I don't know where my Form 5 for the second semester of the academic year 2009-2010 had gone.

This is a "happy birthday greeting" my boyfriend made for me four years ago. There were three greetings, if I remember correctly, but I managed to save only one. He posted this one on the facade of the old building of our high school.

And this is my balikbayan box. It's going to stay at my friend's house for the whole summer. Around this time next year, I'd probably have two of those boxes, but they're not going to stay at my friend's house anymore. They would be taken home and then maybe would be taken to my new home, wherever my med school is. But who knows? Maybe I could get a master's degree instead and stay here in Diliman. OHGODILOVEDILIMANTOPIECES

Anyway, I'm so excited to go home, away from all the stress and pressure. Did I mention I passed that one subject which almost killed me? Ang sarap pumasa sa subject na buong sem mong iginapang. Now I'm just waiting for a Friday night out.

Lost

Remember those two things I told you about some posts ago? I didn't want to name those things until I'm sure of them. But since a lot of time has passed and so many things have happened, here you go: 

1. Thesis. Last year in our field trip in Laguna (for an Animal Taxonomy Elective, which btw is Entomology), I realized who my thesis adviser was going to be. He's no other than my Entomology instructor. I talked to him and expressed my intentions in late February this year and he immediately accepted me as his student. Two weeks ago I had lunch with him, together with my co-advisees, and we talked about our plans. It's funny how at that time I felt like my life was falling apart -  no direction, grades hanging loosely on a thread, but when I talked to him, I felt like he was putting me back on track. It's as if all the hard work for my studies and all are finally paying off. He approved of my topic; it's still a rough plan but we're planning to survey the diversity of dragonflies in some place in Sorsogon, Bicol in both wet and dry seasons.

2. Committee Chairperson. I ran for a position in our organization. Honestly, I never imagined myself doing that. But things happened and there I was, presenting my GPOA in the miting de avance. I got the position, which means a busier year ahead for me. On August, we will be celebrating our 60th anniversary and we have big plans. We want a golden age.

So there you have it, thesis and the 60th anniversary. I wanted something to spend my time on. My past years in college consisted of me pulling someone to do this and that with me. It was like everyone was starting on their lives and I was stuck there, asking them to sit with me and waste time. I thought I just couldn't move on, but in fact, I chose to remain unmoved and delayed people from moving on. All along I thought I was doing a good thing saving my time for them but in truth, I was just a selfish person asking for much of their time just because I wanted them to be bored with me. I ended up turning my back on opportunities that would help me move on and grow. It's sad thinking that I wasn't like this when I was in high school. I was stronger and braver back then. I had dreams and I was determined to make them come true. It's sad how a simple lie can give you trauma and suck all the strength and courage within you.

Even with those two things planned for me next school year, I can't help but feel lost. I don't know whether to take summer classes (to lessen my load next year) or not because I'm still waiting for my thesis adviser's go signal. He's supposed to make arrangements for the survey if we intend to gather data for the dry season. March and April are the best months to collect dragonflies. He hasn't informed me yet whether he had arranged everything or not, so I'm stuck here waiting for him.

I'm thinking of my thesis, but I'm not even sure of passing all 17 units this semester. I don't even care about my scholarship anymore. I don't care if I get a 3.00 in all my subjects. Just...let me pass.

I will be taking the NMAT on Sunday, but I'm not yet prepared. Instead of studying, I'm writing this and reading tweets about tips for the NMAT. Honestly, I'm having doubts in going to med school. I was so sure of wanting to be a surgeon until this year. One time last year I told my dad how much I'm enjoying Biology. He asked me if I wanted to be a biologist instead. He told me that either is fine. But I told him that I wanted to be a doctor, it's just interesting what biologists do. But what would people say if they learned I no longer want to be a doctor? That I got afraid of studying for another four or five years? But who the hell cares about what other people think?

And then there's this feeling that I'm starting to love UP. For a long time I have been itching to leave UP and start anew. I hated UP because it gave me lot of painful memories. It reminded me of all the sadness, and anger, and lies, and secrets, and ghosts who still haunt me in my sleep. But right now it feels like all those got buried, except for the ghosts. I have been seeing them in my nightmares for two consecutive nights now. Just when I'm starting to enjoy, everything approaches the end. Next year is my last year as an undergrad in UP (hopefully, or not) and I don't want to leave yet. It was only last week when it has sunk to me that there is NO med school around Diliman. I'm leaving Diliman for sure. It's not that I'm afraid to leave my comfort zone; I just want to live in it a little longer. I'm even thinking of delaying my thesis for one semester, but that won't help if I'm going to med school. What if I take a master's degree? In microbiology, perhaps, or in marine science biology? But refusing to go to med school and pursuing a master's degree instead because I don't want to leave Diliman is not a good reason.

But what I really want to do right now is leave everything behind, escape reality. I try to sleep whenever I feel lonely, but those ghosts I mentioned before, they haunt me. Even sleep can't give me an escape. I just want to lie here on my bed, watch movies or listen to The Script and Coldplay. I didn't even go home today (in Muntinlupa) because I feel so stressed and depressed. I just want to travel far, faraway where no one can find me. And make no decisions. Just let the wind take me.

Too Much School Will Kill You

I just want a break from all these cats, DNA's, and bacteria. They're too much to handle and they're killing me, ever so slowly. Two exams each week, papers and reports on weekends, cat stench on your fingertips, blah blah blah. What's worse is that your hard work doesn't pay off. I don't feel bad that I studied at the Sunken  Garden while watching concerts at the UP Fair because I remembered everything I studied there. I don't feel bad that I partied last Monday night because I still wouldn't study [for my exam this afternoon] if I were at  home anyway.

I can't wait for this semester  to be over. I don't care if all my professors give me a 3.00; I just want to escape everything. Sometimes I secretly wish that the bus I was riding would crash and kill me. But that's a selfish thought because I'm guessing most of the passengers in the bus do not want to die yet. So instead I secretly wished to be hit by a car or a meteor or something while I'm about to cross the street or when I'm walking to my house. Now that would be a good escape. Sick, no? Hey, no judging!

It's not that I want to kill myself. It's more like...I want others to kill me. But seriously, I don't have plans of killing myself. I'm better than that, trust me. I can only go as far as imagining.

And then there's my thesis which I haven't planned out yet. Which reminds me, I have to talk to my adviser tomorrow and I don't have anything to tell him yet. Oh, the NMAT! I almost forgot. It's on March 25. I was expecting it would be later, like April. I planned not to go to a review center and to just buy reviewers and study them on my own. But really, I haven't bought any reviewers yet. Anyway I have this make-up quiz tomorrow because of an exam in which lots of people failed. So I'm going now. Bye-bye. I meant, good night. Someone told me that it's better to bid good night than bid goodbye. There. Good night!

Life Decisions of an Undergrad

Here I am making decisions that will dictate how my last (hopefully) year as an undergraduate would fare. There is Number 1. I hope I made the right choice. Although I still have to tweak it a little. I haven't had the time to make that decision about Number 1 because school is killing me. I just came back from three exams, for God's sake! Note to self: Settle everything under Number 1 as soon as possible to avoid mishaps.

There comes Number 2. This is something big, although Number 1 is bigger. Unlike Number 1, I have already settled everything under Number 2. Several months back, I was sure that I would never ever ever consider Number 2. But you know what? During those times I take a break from studying in the wee hours of the morning and I stare out of my bedroom window, I realized how small the world I was keeping myself in. How long have I been limiting myself to the same people I know, the same places I know, the same things I do? For years I had held myself back for a silly reason: to save my time for the ones I love the most. I said no to opportunities. I closed the doors that open before me. I turned away from hands that reach out to me. I did those just so I could attend to my priorities without hassle. So that night I paused genetics, comparative vertebrate anatomy, and microbiology, I thought that it was my turn to grab the opportunities and care less about what I might leave behind. Maybe it 's time that I forget my silly reason and accept the fact that I cannot pause our lives without pausing my own. What purpose would my spare time serve when the ones I have been saving my time for are not here to receive it? I feel stuck. I, myself, had put my own life on hold. But now it's time to press play and move forward. I need to care less about what might get left behind. Those who wish/were meant to stay will follow  anyway. And this time, I am setting my own pace. Those who are too slow will get left behind. Because that's the real world, isn't it? In the struggle for survival, the fittest win out at the expense of their rivals. (Charles Darwin)


And if given a chance to make a change, why not take it? I remember I once told a friend about something wrong within a particular system. I was hoping he'd say something like, "I want to change the system," but he did not. I must admit I was a little disappointed. But I know I can make a difference with Number 2. So I will be that change I want to see.