Ssh...

Give all my secrets away.

A part of me wishes that I don't get in that school. I remember last Sunday when my dad asked me, "Ano'ng gagawin mo 'pag di ka pumasa sa [insert school here]?" I answered, "Ayaw kong mag-aral sa hindi [school 1] or [school 2]." Maybe it was the alcohol, I don't know, but it was the most honest answer I gave my dad since I can't remember when. I added that I will get a job, in a pharmaceutical company or a mining company, and retake the NMAT on December and retry my applications. What my dad said after was the most encouraging words I heard from him whenever I consider taking a different career. He told me that the company he works for is hiring biologists, although that job is only available abroad. At that moment, I thought he was considering it - that I can opt not to go to med school. I should have told him that I would love to get a master's degree in Microbiology instead. Because right now, that's what I want.

If I stay in UP, I will have a higher chance of getting an opportunity to get a PhD abroad. My thoughts about getting a PhD are still unsure, but I have already laid out my plans after graduation if ever my dad allows me to drop medicine. I will enroll in the MS Microbiology program right after graduation and teach part-time. After around two years, I can get a PhD or enter the industry. I promise I won't get stuck in the academe - it's the only thing I fear in getting a master's degree. If my dad won't allow me to study right after graduation, I will get a job, and then get a master's degree.

I actually made a list of the pros and cons of medicine and biology. What I discovered is that studying medicine will grant me five years of housing, food, clothing, gas, and everything paid for my parents, and that when I turn 30, it's the only time I will actually experience being an adult. Studying microbiology, on the other hand, will take all those housing, food, clothing, gas, and etc. allowance from me, but it will give me independence and happiness. There was this time when I gave our dog antibiotics and I felt...happy and warm. It's as if I would be happier giving our dog her medications than giving a human patient his. My dad also noticed that - that I take care of our dogs very well. He even said that maybe I should take veterinary medicine instead. Is that a sign?

Now I have to find a way to tell my dad about this decision soon so I can inform the Institute that I want to join the Microbiology group. And that I will accept teaching load.

I may have some mild depression. I have been down for around three weeks now - breaking down and sleeping a lot. I have lost a lot of weight - I know because my pants have become loose. I was actually considering telling my dad about this to ask him to get me a psychologist. What's worse is that I may have become alcohol-dependent - drinking just so the problems will go away and I can laugh my heart out.  But there's no need to worry, I did not initiate any drinking session this week because I am trying to cure myself. If I find myself sulking and crying again next week, I swear I'll tell my dad about this.

Here's another secret. Well, it's not actually a secret, but it will remain so until he notices. As difficult and painful as it is, I am setting him free. I only hope that I can get a little credit, a tap on the back and a heartfelt thanks. Just so I'll know it was worth it. Because right now I don't really know where to stand.

Lost

Remember those two things I told you about some posts ago? I didn't want to name those things until I'm sure of them. But since a lot of time has passed and so many things have happened, here you go: 

1. Thesis. Last year in our field trip in Laguna (for an Animal Taxonomy Elective, which btw is Entomology), I realized who my thesis adviser was going to be. He's no other than my Entomology instructor. I talked to him and expressed my intentions in late February this year and he immediately accepted me as his student. Two weeks ago I had lunch with him, together with my co-advisees, and we talked about our plans. It's funny how at that time I felt like my life was falling apart -  no direction, grades hanging loosely on a thread, but when I talked to him, I felt like he was putting me back on track. It's as if all the hard work for my studies and all are finally paying off. He approved of my topic; it's still a rough plan but we're planning to survey the diversity of dragonflies in some place in Sorsogon, Bicol in both wet and dry seasons.

2. Committee Chairperson. I ran for a position in our organization. Honestly, I never imagined myself doing that. But things happened and there I was, presenting my GPOA in the miting de avance. I got the position, which means a busier year ahead for me. On August, we will be celebrating our 60th anniversary and we have big plans. We want a golden age.

So there you have it, thesis and the 60th anniversary. I wanted something to spend my time on. My past years in college consisted of me pulling someone to do this and that with me. It was like everyone was starting on their lives and I was stuck there, asking them to sit with me and waste time. I thought I just couldn't move on, but in fact, I chose to remain unmoved and delayed people from moving on. All along I thought I was doing a good thing saving my time for them but in truth, I was just a selfish person asking for much of their time just because I wanted them to be bored with me. I ended up turning my back on opportunities that would help me move on and grow. It's sad thinking that I wasn't like this when I was in high school. I was stronger and braver back then. I had dreams and I was determined to make them come true. It's sad how a simple lie can give you trauma and suck all the strength and courage within you.

Even with those two things planned for me next school year, I can't help but feel lost. I don't know whether to take summer classes (to lessen my load next year) or not because I'm still waiting for my thesis adviser's go signal. He's supposed to make arrangements for the survey if we intend to gather data for the dry season. March and April are the best months to collect dragonflies. He hasn't informed me yet whether he had arranged everything or not, so I'm stuck here waiting for him.

I'm thinking of my thesis, but I'm not even sure of passing all 17 units this semester. I don't even care about my scholarship anymore. I don't care if I get a 3.00 in all my subjects. Just...let me pass.

I will be taking the NMAT on Sunday, but I'm not yet prepared. Instead of studying, I'm writing this and reading tweets about tips for the NMAT. Honestly, I'm having doubts in going to med school. I was so sure of wanting to be a surgeon until this year. One time last year I told my dad how much I'm enjoying Biology. He asked me if I wanted to be a biologist instead. He told me that either is fine. But I told him that I wanted to be a doctor, it's just interesting what biologists do. But what would people say if they learned I no longer want to be a doctor? That I got afraid of studying for another four or five years? But who the hell cares about what other people think?

And then there's this feeling that I'm starting to love UP. For a long time I have been itching to leave UP and start anew. I hated UP because it gave me lot of painful memories. It reminded me of all the sadness, and anger, and lies, and secrets, and ghosts who still haunt me in my sleep. But right now it feels like all those got buried, except for the ghosts. I have been seeing them in my nightmares for two consecutive nights now. Just when I'm starting to enjoy, everything approaches the end. Next year is my last year as an undergrad in UP (hopefully, or not) and I don't want to leave yet. It was only last week when it has sunk to me that there is NO med school around Diliman. I'm leaving Diliman for sure. It's not that I'm afraid to leave my comfort zone; I just want to live in it a little longer. I'm even thinking of delaying my thesis for one semester, but that won't help if I'm going to med school. What if I take a master's degree? In microbiology, perhaps, or in marine science biology? But refusing to go to med school and pursuing a master's degree instead because I don't want to leave Diliman is not a good reason.

But what I really want to do right now is leave everything behind, escape reality. I try to sleep whenever I feel lonely, but those ghosts I mentioned before, they haunt me. Even sleep can't give me an escape. I just want to lie here on my bed, watch movies or listen to The Script and Coldplay. I didn't even go home today (in Muntinlupa) because I feel so stressed and depressed. I just want to travel far, faraway where no one can find me. And make no decisions. Just let the wind take me.

Life Decisions of an Undergrad

Here I am making decisions that will dictate how my last (hopefully) year as an undergraduate would fare. There is Number 1. I hope I made the right choice. Although I still have to tweak it a little. I haven't had the time to make that decision about Number 1 because school is killing me. I just came back from three exams, for God's sake! Note to self: Settle everything under Number 1 as soon as possible to avoid mishaps.

There comes Number 2. This is something big, although Number 1 is bigger. Unlike Number 1, I have already settled everything under Number 2. Several months back, I was sure that I would never ever ever consider Number 2. But you know what? During those times I take a break from studying in the wee hours of the morning and I stare out of my bedroom window, I realized how small the world I was keeping myself in. How long have I been limiting myself to the same people I know, the same places I know, the same things I do? For years I had held myself back for a silly reason: to save my time for the ones I love the most. I said no to opportunities. I closed the doors that open before me. I turned away from hands that reach out to me. I did those just so I could attend to my priorities without hassle. So that night I paused genetics, comparative vertebrate anatomy, and microbiology, I thought that it was my turn to grab the opportunities and care less about what I might leave behind. Maybe it 's time that I forget my silly reason and accept the fact that I cannot pause our lives without pausing my own. What purpose would my spare time serve when the ones I have been saving my time for are not here to receive it? I feel stuck. I, myself, had put my own life on hold. But now it's time to press play and move forward. I need to care less about what might get left behind. Those who wish/were meant to stay will follow  anyway. And this time, I am setting my own pace. Those who are too slow will get left behind. Because that's the real world, isn't it? In the struggle for survival, the fittest win out at the expense of their rivals. (Charles Darwin)


And if given a chance to make a change, why not take it? I remember I once told a friend about something wrong within a particular system. I was hoping he'd say something like, "I want to change the system," but he did not. I must admit I was a little disappointed. But I know I can make a difference with Number 2. So I will be that change I want to see.