Lost

Remember those two things I told you about some posts ago? I didn't want to name those things until I'm sure of them. But since a lot of time has passed and so many things have happened, here you go: 

1. Thesis. Last year in our field trip in Laguna (for an Animal Taxonomy Elective, which btw is Entomology), I realized who my thesis adviser was going to be. He's no other than my Entomology instructor. I talked to him and expressed my intentions in late February this year and he immediately accepted me as his student. Two weeks ago I had lunch with him, together with my co-advisees, and we talked about our plans. It's funny how at that time I felt like my life was falling apart -  no direction, grades hanging loosely on a thread, but when I talked to him, I felt like he was putting me back on track. It's as if all the hard work for my studies and all are finally paying off. He approved of my topic; it's still a rough plan but we're planning to survey the diversity of dragonflies in some place in Sorsogon, Bicol in both wet and dry seasons.

2. Committee Chairperson. I ran for a position in our organization. Honestly, I never imagined myself doing that. But things happened and there I was, presenting my GPOA in the miting de avance. I got the position, which means a busier year ahead for me. On August, we will be celebrating our 60th anniversary and we have big plans. We want a golden age.

So there you have it, thesis and the 60th anniversary. I wanted something to spend my time on. My past years in college consisted of me pulling someone to do this and that with me. It was like everyone was starting on their lives and I was stuck there, asking them to sit with me and waste time. I thought I just couldn't move on, but in fact, I chose to remain unmoved and delayed people from moving on. All along I thought I was doing a good thing saving my time for them but in truth, I was just a selfish person asking for much of their time just because I wanted them to be bored with me. I ended up turning my back on opportunities that would help me move on and grow. It's sad thinking that I wasn't like this when I was in high school. I was stronger and braver back then. I had dreams and I was determined to make them come true. It's sad how a simple lie can give you trauma and suck all the strength and courage within you.

Even with those two things planned for me next school year, I can't help but feel lost. I don't know whether to take summer classes (to lessen my load next year) or not because I'm still waiting for my thesis adviser's go signal. He's supposed to make arrangements for the survey if we intend to gather data for the dry season. March and April are the best months to collect dragonflies. He hasn't informed me yet whether he had arranged everything or not, so I'm stuck here waiting for him.

I'm thinking of my thesis, but I'm not even sure of passing all 17 units this semester. I don't even care about my scholarship anymore. I don't care if I get a 3.00 in all my subjects. Just...let me pass.

I will be taking the NMAT on Sunday, but I'm not yet prepared. Instead of studying, I'm writing this and reading tweets about tips for the NMAT. Honestly, I'm having doubts in going to med school. I was so sure of wanting to be a surgeon until this year. One time last year I told my dad how much I'm enjoying Biology. He asked me if I wanted to be a biologist instead. He told me that either is fine. But I told him that I wanted to be a doctor, it's just interesting what biologists do. But what would people say if they learned I no longer want to be a doctor? That I got afraid of studying for another four or five years? But who the hell cares about what other people think?

And then there's this feeling that I'm starting to love UP. For a long time I have been itching to leave UP and start anew. I hated UP because it gave me lot of painful memories. It reminded me of all the sadness, and anger, and lies, and secrets, and ghosts who still haunt me in my sleep. But right now it feels like all those got buried, except for the ghosts. I have been seeing them in my nightmares for two consecutive nights now. Just when I'm starting to enjoy, everything approaches the end. Next year is my last year as an undergrad in UP (hopefully, or not) and I don't want to leave yet. It was only last week when it has sunk to me that there is NO med school around Diliman. I'm leaving Diliman for sure. It's not that I'm afraid to leave my comfort zone; I just want to live in it a little longer. I'm even thinking of delaying my thesis for one semester, but that won't help if I'm going to med school. What if I take a master's degree? In microbiology, perhaps, or in marine science biology? But refusing to go to med school and pursuing a master's degree instead because I don't want to leave Diliman is not a good reason.

But what I really want to do right now is leave everything behind, escape reality. I try to sleep whenever I feel lonely, but those ghosts I mentioned before, they haunt me. Even sleep can't give me an escape. I just want to lie here on my bed, watch movies or listen to The Script and Coldplay. I didn't even go home today (in Muntinlupa) because I feel so stressed and depressed. I just want to travel far, faraway where no one can find me. And make no decisions. Just let the wind take me.