Obligatory End of Year Post

Here are some photos from my camera and a few from my friends'. Some of these you may have already seen here in my blog. Click a photo to enlarge. Happy viewing!

These are taken sometime January to March. New Year's Eve in Makati with relatives from Mom's side. Outreach program in an orphanage. Dinner with an old elementary classmate. And a friend's birthday in Ortigas.

Now I have a lot of summer photos.

Thai dinner with my sister. And Holy Week at Bangkong Kahoy.

I spent part of my summer in Sorsogon catching dragonflies and damselflies for my thesis. My field work ended with Dad picking me up in Legazpi and taking me to Tiwi where, after a long time, I had a taste of the famous DJC halo-halo again. It's the only halo-halo I enjoy eating. Some pictures here are from Laiya, where we spent a night. Unfortunately, I only have pictures of the shore because I was writing a paper.

We also spent a night at the Camayan Beach Resort in Subic with my aunt from New York and the rest of Mom's family. Of course we didn't forget to visit Zoobic Safari and see crocodiles, ostriches, camels, snakes, and tigers.

The last wave of summer I spent with my high school friends, this time in Sariaya, Quezon.

First week of classes, yay! This was also the first time I tried the BonChon Chicken in Katipunan. The other half of the collage is a celebration of my sister and Dad's birthdays, and Father's Day.

This summarizes my academic load during the first semester: animal physiology, cell biology, ecology, and plant morphology and anatomy. No picture of me working on my thesis, though. Hmm.

Parties! Plus ecology field work in Atimonan, Quezon.

And more parties! Sometime August the UP Zoological Society celebrated its 60th Anniversary. We also bade farewell to our animal physiology lab instructor.

September is the birthday of many. One of my sisters and I celebrate our birthdays in September. That guy over there is also a September baby. I got lots of surprises: from my male high school friends, my ka-bio, and my family. I had Mediterranean lunch with the latter.

My sister's birthday present for me is a ticket to the Phantom of the Opera. My aunt bought us dinner after - as a birthday present for us.

The first semester didn't end easy, but I'll skip on that. Here's a collage with my favorite girls (and Frank) during our graduation pictorial.

Second semester, yay! We won first runner-up in the annual College of Science Carolfest. Our contest piece was "Paskong Anong Saya", which ironically is one particular Christmas song I hate. Those on your right are from our Christmas party. Yep, I had my hair cut.

Can I afford to miss my last Pailaw and Lantern Parade in Diliman as an undergraduate? 

And then there's Holly, as in deck the halls with boughs of holly. She's a 2 month-old Labrador retriever. And as usual, we spent Christmas day visiting different extensions of our family.

Cheers!

Bring the hell weeks on

Today is officially the first day of my [hopefully] last semester as an undergraduate. And tonight is a lazy night where there are no reports to be written, scientific papers to be read, lectures to be studied, data to be processed, and events to be planned. Tonight is also an unfortunate night because I am sick when I haven't even been stressed yet. Now I am trying to get to sleep because I don't want to be late tomorrow and I'm saving all my free cuts for next year, preferably on February and March. The funny thing is I can't sleep because I'm not tired. And now I suddenly missed those stressful weeks when a minute is too precious to waste - when my mind is concentrated on nothing but school and it doesn't go pondering on other things that won't do me good.

Tonight my mind is pondering on those things which won't do me good. I can't wait for reports, scientific papers, books, my thesis, and event plans to pile on my bed while I sort them out and find which one needs to be attended immediately. Not getting enough sleep because of work is so much better than not getting enough sleep because of some shallow feelings. I can't wait for work to take my mind off unwanted feelings. I know it's temporary, but that's what works. I used to think that one should sort and/or fix his baggage so he could forget. But then I can't forget because I don't find it forgettable nor forgivable. I'll fix my own stuff in time. Until then, I'll work hard and serve selflessly.

Because that's what it takes to keep the story unfolding.

Hiccups

My acads are piling along with my thesis and I don't know how to stop them or to reduce the pile. What I know is I got hiccups after some beer. This is my first time to try to stay awake, write, and resist the oh-so inviting bed. What I know is I found myself in Sarah's comfort after finding myself scrolling down the endless news in Twitter - the kind of news I'd rather not mention. The only hint I can give you is I hate it, I don't want to talk about it, and it reduces much of my humanity ignoring it. Because I don't like the idea, therefore, I should not be involved with it or anything involved in it. But current events tick me, as if I must give a damn, show my cares, and I don't know, express my opinion? But no, I'd rather not. It will certainly result in the clash of ideas and I don't want it. Maybe I can still get through this without caring much about stuff. But omg I just want to return to my old self who values my principles so much

Three More Months

First wave of exams is over so I'm using this exam-free week to catch up with my thesis and, hopefully, maybe meet the deadlines I set for myself.

Let me tell you how I prepared myself for thesis week right after exam week. I watched Ice Age 4 and The Amazing Spiderman. I stress-ate at Burger King and I got bangs. I've been itching to have my hair cut short again, but hey, this is the longest hair I have had since I graduated from high school. For reasons I unconsciously make, I have never grown my hair long since 2009. And there's this creative shot we have to make for graduation photos and my friends want my hair long when the shot is taken.

I bought this oh-so precise ruler for my thesis. Measuring my specimens is difficult, but I'm enjoying using my new ruler. I should have bought calipers  for convenience, but it might damage my hard-earned specimens.

The reason I'm writing despite my busy schedule is that I miss you, Blogspot. I've been meaning to write fiction to satisfy these feelings stirring inside me but with everything going around, I can't seem to find time. And I'm sorta lacking inspiration. Maybe I'll write one some time this week.

I just want this term to end. For several reasons...

I feel like I'm the personification of stress right now.

The first month is over. And there are still four months left before the semester ends. I'm so tired that I feel like the semester is almost over. I'm not even half-way there! Every day is a busy day, seriously. I don't even have time to bring my clothes to laundry service. I go home late and I go to school early. My body feels so used. And I have this problem in coping with stress, it started just this month. I'm trying so hard to break the habit. Maybe I should switch to ice cream instead.

Thesis. My adviser is asking too much from my thesis. I don't even know where to start. And I have three unidentified specimens. I hope they're new species :>

Org stuff. 'Nuff said.

Cell biology, animal physiology, plant systematics. They're killing me. I can't wait to graduate and leave for med school. I want a fresh start. A reset. No history.

I'm thinking of getting a planner because I have so many deadlines to beat. Every week I have at least two things to submit or accomplish. But I scrapped that idea of getting myself a planner because (1) so far, I have never missed a deadline and (2) I don't want my life planned. I mean, I have plans - go to med school, travel around the world, have Siberian huskies. It's just that I feel my whole life has been planned since I was little and all I get to decide are minor ones like which courses to take this semester, what to wear today, who to be friends with. With a planner, I'll feel even more pressured. I just need a little spontaneity, that's all.

You know what, it's funny I still have time to think about other things with all those deadlines in my head. I still get the chance to stop and spare a thought for you. Maybe I'll just study more and get better than average grades. Or maybe jog around the campus to lose all the weight I accumulated from stress-eating/drinking. Maybe write a story or learn a new song in the piano. I don't know. Anything to fill those gaps in my clock. Because lately I have been longing to find someone to talk/rant to after each stressful day. Oh wait. There's Frank.

Sem-Starter Post

I should be telling you how exciting (and equally tiring) my summer was - chasing dragonflies and damselflies, climbing mountains, and swimming in the beach, but let me tell you tell you how I feel right now first.

School starts tomorrow and like most students, I'm not yet ready. Not even a little. My class starts at 7:30 AM and I'm still here at home, which means I have to travel around two hours to be at school before class. You see, I haven't found an apartment yet. I'm not even enrolled yet! I guess the best thing that happened to me this week was getting my thesis proposal approved. And maybe slowly starting to get a grip on my chairperson responsibilities whatever. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. This is the first time I proved to myself that high school is way different from college. That college is not just high school with more expensive books, like Serena van der Woodsen once said. And for the first time since that stupid summer, I felt like myself again, alive and strong. But still, those responsibilities are killing me. I never get some me-time! And then there's my thesis. Thank God, I'm halfway done with it. But my thesis adviser's really, really keen in dissecting your paper; he won't stop until you're sweating blood.

I'd like to start telling you about my summer and show you photos of my dragonfly and damselfly collection, but I need a place to stay in until Thursday night. I need to find a place I can settle in until even just the end of the semester. I'm sorry for the shameless ranting, but I bet no one reads this blog anyway. It's just that...I'm not spending the night drinking and celebrating the beginning of the semester like I always do. But things change. And so do people.

PS

See my About Me section over there? It says there GRADUATING, yay! But I don't really want to leave. Not just yet.

Farms and Valleys

My one week-long summer break is almost over. Though most of it I spent cooped inside the house playing various PC games, I must say that the little time I spent outside made my break a bit notable. That's due to a couple of reasons, one of which I'd rather keep to myself.

We visited the farm. It has been a long time since my last visit. I no longer visit as frequent as before because I was over catching and identifying insects. A lot of things have changed. There were no more sheep and piglets, only sows, chickens, catfish, and turkey chicks. 

We have three cute turkey chicks. This one wandered outside its house and got lost. It ended up with the chickens, looking like an ugly duckling. 

Unlike last summer, there were no lettuce, cauliflowers, and carrots to pick. But there were papayas and peppers.

And that's my sister showing off her dress.

She found these mushrooms growing out of a log, so we had a contest where the one who takes a better picture of the fungi wins.

We had our chickens for dinner. I guess you don't want to read (or see) how those free range chickens ended up on our plates so let me skip to the next day where we drove to the mountains.

We went to Bangkong Kahoy the next day. It's a valley, seated between Banahaw and San Cristobal. The weather was hot and sunny, but windy, which cools the given conditions. We had lunch and raspberry shake first before starting the tour. Did I mention how long the shakes were prepared because they still had to pick raspberries from their farm? 

There were lots of raspberries growing along the way. This one's still too sour to eat.

And then we rode along the zip-line. It wasn't that scary (in fact it's not scary at all) after you've crossed this...bridge. You have to cross the bridge so you can get to the other side and start the zip-line from there. Well this bridge, I refuse to call it hanging because it wasn't hung. It's more like...pinned to the ground. It's actually a wire mesh - some of its parts covered with wooden planks - narrow enough to accommodate your two feet. There were no handrails. You can either hold on to your harness or to the rope above your head where your harness is attached. It wasn't that bad if you don't mind crossing the bridge watching your feet and seeing a glimpse of the canopy of trees way below. You have to watch your feet because the bridge is narrow and you would certainly want to keep it balanced. Anyway, that's not the hard part. The bridge terminates by ascending to where the zip-line actually starts. Covering those last few meters up the slope was the hardest part, for most of us. My heart was beating really fast when I finally got to the other side. I feel like it wants to break free from my pericardial sac ribs. Too bad I can't show you how the bridge looked like. I hope I described it enough for you to imagine it, but this would help.

My sister wants us to go at the same time, so there.

It was a short ride, but it was scenic and breathtaking. Next time I'll try zip-lines where I can lie on my belly and face down.

My sister and my cousins went horseback riding after the zip-line experience until it was time for us to go home. I almost forgot to tell you that Bangkong Kahoy Valley offers trekking and bird watching! Too bad we don't have much time and most of us (my cousins which are children and my grandparents) can't go on a hike. Oh well, there's a huge possibility I'm taking field biology this summer, so hello mountain treks! I wish we can have a trip to the beach, even just once, and  maybe see fishes, starfishes, crabs, whatever. I'd really like to hit the beach right now.

For One Hell of a Sem

Tomorrow morning I'm finally going home to stay. My semester is officially over. Thank God. I finished packing two-thirds of my stuff yesterday. Tomorrow I'll pack the remaining third - dirty laundry and small stuff my handbag can carry. I bought a balikbayan box to stuff them in. Upon sorting my things, I found my bluebooks from way back my first semester in UP.

Those aren't all of them, I don't know where my other bluebooks had gone. The one on top is an exam in Philosophy 1. I kept it because it's the only exam where I got full points for my essay. And I enjoyed my Philo 1 with Sir Rubicon Soberano.


Under those bluebooks are my Math 17, 53, and 54 exams, Chem 16 exams, the only Chem 31 exam I passed, Geog 1 exam, Bio 12 and 180 exams, and...I can't remember the others.

I also found my first ever Form 5! I threw away all my other Form 5's since they had a different look since my second year. The new Form 5 just looked like a black print on white paper. I don't know where my Form 5 for the second semester of the academic year 2009-2010 had gone.

This is a "happy birthday greeting" my boyfriend made for me four years ago. There were three greetings, if I remember correctly, but I managed to save only one. He posted this one on the facade of the old building of our high school.

And this is my balikbayan box. It's going to stay at my friend's house for the whole summer. Around this time next year, I'd probably have two of those boxes, but they're not going to stay at my friend's house anymore. They would be taken home and then maybe would be taken to my new home, wherever my med school is. But who knows? Maybe I could get a master's degree instead and stay here in Diliman. OHGODILOVEDILIMANTOPIECES

Anyway, I'm so excited to go home, away from all the stress and pressure. Did I mention I passed that one subject which almost killed me? Ang sarap pumasa sa subject na buong sem mong iginapang. Now I'm just waiting for a Friday night out.

Lost

Remember those two things I told you about some posts ago? I didn't want to name those things until I'm sure of them. But since a lot of time has passed and so many things have happened, here you go: 

1. Thesis. Last year in our field trip in Laguna (for an Animal Taxonomy Elective, which btw is Entomology), I realized who my thesis adviser was going to be. He's no other than my Entomology instructor. I talked to him and expressed my intentions in late February this year and he immediately accepted me as his student. Two weeks ago I had lunch with him, together with my co-advisees, and we talked about our plans. It's funny how at that time I felt like my life was falling apart -  no direction, grades hanging loosely on a thread, but when I talked to him, I felt like he was putting me back on track. It's as if all the hard work for my studies and all are finally paying off. He approved of my topic; it's still a rough plan but we're planning to survey the diversity of dragonflies in some place in Sorsogon, Bicol in both wet and dry seasons.

2. Committee Chairperson. I ran for a position in our organization. Honestly, I never imagined myself doing that. But things happened and there I was, presenting my GPOA in the miting de avance. I got the position, which means a busier year ahead for me. On August, we will be celebrating our 60th anniversary and we have big plans. We want a golden age.

So there you have it, thesis and the 60th anniversary. I wanted something to spend my time on. My past years in college consisted of me pulling someone to do this and that with me. It was like everyone was starting on their lives and I was stuck there, asking them to sit with me and waste time. I thought I just couldn't move on, but in fact, I chose to remain unmoved and delayed people from moving on. All along I thought I was doing a good thing saving my time for them but in truth, I was just a selfish person asking for much of their time just because I wanted them to be bored with me. I ended up turning my back on opportunities that would help me move on and grow. It's sad thinking that I wasn't like this when I was in high school. I was stronger and braver back then. I had dreams and I was determined to make them come true. It's sad how a simple lie can give you trauma and suck all the strength and courage within you.

Even with those two things planned for me next school year, I can't help but feel lost. I don't know whether to take summer classes (to lessen my load next year) or not because I'm still waiting for my thesis adviser's go signal. He's supposed to make arrangements for the survey if we intend to gather data for the dry season. March and April are the best months to collect dragonflies. He hasn't informed me yet whether he had arranged everything or not, so I'm stuck here waiting for him.

I'm thinking of my thesis, but I'm not even sure of passing all 17 units this semester. I don't even care about my scholarship anymore. I don't care if I get a 3.00 in all my subjects. Just...let me pass.

I will be taking the NMAT on Sunday, but I'm not yet prepared. Instead of studying, I'm writing this and reading tweets about tips for the NMAT. Honestly, I'm having doubts in going to med school. I was so sure of wanting to be a surgeon until this year. One time last year I told my dad how much I'm enjoying Biology. He asked me if I wanted to be a biologist instead. He told me that either is fine. But I told him that I wanted to be a doctor, it's just interesting what biologists do. But what would people say if they learned I no longer want to be a doctor? That I got afraid of studying for another four or five years? But who the hell cares about what other people think?

And then there's this feeling that I'm starting to love UP. For a long time I have been itching to leave UP and start anew. I hated UP because it gave me lot of painful memories. It reminded me of all the sadness, and anger, and lies, and secrets, and ghosts who still haunt me in my sleep. But right now it feels like all those got buried, except for the ghosts. I have been seeing them in my nightmares for two consecutive nights now. Just when I'm starting to enjoy, everything approaches the end. Next year is my last year as an undergrad in UP (hopefully, or not) and I don't want to leave yet. It was only last week when it has sunk to me that there is NO med school around Diliman. I'm leaving Diliman for sure. It's not that I'm afraid to leave my comfort zone; I just want to live in it a little longer. I'm even thinking of delaying my thesis for one semester, but that won't help if I'm going to med school. What if I take a master's degree? In microbiology, perhaps, or in marine science biology? But refusing to go to med school and pursuing a master's degree instead because I don't want to leave Diliman is not a good reason.

But what I really want to do right now is leave everything behind, escape reality. I try to sleep whenever I feel lonely, but those ghosts I mentioned before, they haunt me. Even sleep can't give me an escape. I just want to lie here on my bed, watch movies or listen to The Script and Coldplay. I didn't even go home today (in Muntinlupa) because I feel so stressed and depressed. I just want to travel far, faraway where no one can find me. And make no decisions. Just let the wind take me.

Too Much School Will Kill You

I just want a break from all these cats, DNA's, and bacteria. They're too much to handle and they're killing me, ever so slowly. Two exams each week, papers and reports on weekends, cat stench on your fingertips, blah blah blah. What's worse is that your hard work doesn't pay off. I don't feel bad that I studied at the Sunken  Garden while watching concerts at the UP Fair because I remembered everything I studied there. I don't feel bad that I partied last Monday night because I still wouldn't study [for my exam this afternoon] if I were at  home anyway.

I can't wait for this semester  to be over. I don't care if all my professors give me a 3.00; I just want to escape everything. Sometimes I secretly wish that the bus I was riding would crash and kill me. But that's a selfish thought because I'm guessing most of the passengers in the bus do not want to die yet. So instead I secretly wished to be hit by a car or a meteor or something while I'm about to cross the street or when I'm walking to my house. Now that would be a good escape. Sick, no? Hey, no judging!

It's not that I want to kill myself. It's more like...I want others to kill me. But seriously, I don't have plans of killing myself. I'm better than that, trust me. I can only go as far as imagining.

And then there's my thesis which I haven't planned out yet. Which reminds me, I have to talk to my adviser tomorrow and I don't have anything to tell him yet. Oh, the NMAT! I almost forgot. It's on March 25. I was expecting it would be later, like April. I planned not to go to a review center and to just buy reviewers and study them on my own. But really, I haven't bought any reviewers yet. Anyway I have this make-up quiz tomorrow because of an exam in which lots of people failed. So I'm going now. Bye-bye. I meant, good night. Someone told me that it's better to bid good night than bid goodbye. There. Good night!

I searched all night for you, darling. I braved the dark streets and the harsh wind. I think I saw you one time or two - under a lamppost, across the street. But I knew it couldn't be you, you couldn't be true.

I waited all night for you, darling. I stayed up reading my book and sipping my coffee. You called in the morning to say you were too tired. I knew asking for you was too much. All that waiting still wasn't enough.

Life Decisions of an Undergrad

Here I am making decisions that will dictate how my last (hopefully) year as an undergraduate would fare. There is Number 1. I hope I made the right choice. Although I still have to tweak it a little. I haven't had the time to make that decision about Number 1 because school is killing me. I just came back from three exams, for God's sake! Note to self: Settle everything under Number 1 as soon as possible to avoid mishaps.

There comes Number 2. This is something big, although Number 1 is bigger. Unlike Number 1, I have already settled everything under Number 2. Several months back, I was sure that I would never ever ever consider Number 2. But you know what? During those times I take a break from studying in the wee hours of the morning and I stare out of my bedroom window, I realized how small the world I was keeping myself in. How long have I been limiting myself to the same people I know, the same places I know, the same things I do? For years I had held myself back for a silly reason: to save my time for the ones I love the most. I said no to opportunities. I closed the doors that open before me. I turned away from hands that reach out to me. I did those just so I could attend to my priorities without hassle. So that night I paused genetics, comparative vertebrate anatomy, and microbiology, I thought that it was my turn to grab the opportunities and care less about what I might leave behind. Maybe it 's time that I forget my silly reason and accept the fact that I cannot pause our lives without pausing my own. What purpose would my spare time serve when the ones I have been saving my time for are not here to receive it? I feel stuck. I, myself, had put my own life on hold. But now it's time to press play and move forward. I need to care less about what might get left behind. Those who wish/were meant to stay will follow  anyway. And this time, I am setting my own pace. Those who are too slow will get left behind. Because that's the real world, isn't it? In the struggle for survival, the fittest win out at the expense of their rivals. (Charles Darwin)


And if given a chance to make a change, why not take it? I remember I once told a friend about something wrong within a particular system. I was hoping he'd say something like, "I want to change the system," but he did not. I must admit I was a little disappointed. But I know I can make a difference with Number 2. So I will be that change I want to see.

The Cave

I thought it was hail but when I looked up, it was actually the sky. The sky was falling. The sky was breaking and was falling to pieces. I hurried to find shelter. I stayed under the shed while watching the sky fall. Suddenly, there was a loud thud from a distance. It was followed by more thuds and thumps, even louder this time. I turned around to see where the sounds were coming from. The trees were falling down. The ground was breaking just as the sky was and the trees were being pulled down. I had to run. I ran as fast as I could to places where the ground was still firm and unscathed. I stopped to breathe. Then it rained. I found myself in the middle of a meadow. I paused, trying to remember something. Something that happened many years ago in this exact place. I couldn't recall what it was, so I started running again. I saw a man standing by a short fence; he was looking out at a bay. I approached him to warn him about the peril that was coming.

"Sir?" I asked.

The man turned around. I knew this man! I have met him before. At the coffee shop? Bookstore? University? The man touched my hand and smiled. Of course it was him! I could not be mistaken.

"I never thought I'd find you here," I said.

"I was waiting for you," he replied. "How did we ever grow apart?"

"Hush, love. I'm here now. We must go. The sky is falling, the ground is shattering, and I fear the darkness will last forever. Let's move."

"There is no escape. This was meant to happen. No matter how good you hide, you will be found. And you shall then be destroyed, together with the seas, the skies, the soil, and the stars."

I held his hands and I wept. "But we can still run, can't we? We can prolong our existence even for just a few minutes. I need time. Hold me in our last seconds together."

And there under the moonlight, he held me and whispered, "You do not know how long I have waited to have you back in my arms. How did we ever grow apart?"

"Let's run," I said. "We still have time. Let's run and hide somewhere only the two of us know. This could be the end of all."

"I know," he replied. He grabbed my hand and we ran and ran until we reached a place familiar to both of us. He took a key from his pocket and unlocked the iron gate. He locked the gate as soon as we entered the mouth of the cave. We stepped into the darkness and moved deeper into the cave. 

"I could die right now if you would just hold me," I said. 

He kissed me on my forehead and looked away. "I have an unfinished business. Would you stay here and wait for me?"

"Again? But I could be dead when you return!" My voice echoed across the room. "And you wonder how we've grown apart?"

"I won't take long," he said.

I sat on the corner of that dark, empty cave and watched him disappear. I heard the lock click and the gate open.

The Lonely

"Why do you keep doing that?" She asked. The pale moon illuminated her as she stood by the open window. She was furious, but beautiful still.

"Doing what?" I asked her. I could not think of a better reply. She was enraged. I did not know what to do.

"Blowing the candles, shutting the drapes, opening the windows at night. You know I hate it when you do those things," she said as she struggled to pull the windows shut.

Her hair was ruffled by the wind, her face wrathful, and her eyes sharp. She looked at me and I can tell that in her mind she is ripping my flesh and pulling out my heart. "I'm sorry," I whispered as I brushed her hair away from her face. I looked at her. She was  perfect, even with her angry eyes. I knew she was cold and I had to keep her warm so I leaned over to kiss her on the forehead, but it seemed that she felt even colder. I put my hands on her shoulders so I could warm her but she put my hands away and said, "I thought we agreed on this." With that, she left me in the cold darkness where I truly belong.

The windows, I have to get them repaired. Every night I have to wake in the middle of it because the wind has opened my windows. I'm sure there are just some loose screws. Somehow I can't get this place warm and brightened.  The cold atmosphere in the house always blows out my candles. Opening the drapes do not do much difference. And then there's a shadow. It's as if it was following me everywhere I go, watching everything I do. I was never sure about it until I arrived home late one night.

I went up to my bedroom and lighted a candle. Just as I was starting to undress, I noticed that the window was open and the wind was blowing through the drapes. I walked towards the open window and there, just behind my drapes, stood a young man. He was tall and skinny and his skin was pale. He scratched his head which ruffled his hair even more and extended his hand. "I'm the Lonely," he said. I gazed at my guest. His hair was dark and so were his pants, his coat, and his tie. He seemed odd, but he looked nice. "Felize," I said as I shook his hand.

I made soup for both of us that night. "Why do you sit across me? You can sit closer. I won't mind," I motioned for my guest to come nearer. The dinner table was very long and my candle illuminated only a limited area. I couldn't see his face clearly.

"It's too bright," he answered, pointing to my candle.

"What did you say your name was again? I'm sorry, I don't think I got it right."

"The Lonely."

"The Lonely? Who would name their son like that? I'm sorry. Am I being rude? I'm just excited to have company in this cold and dark house."

"You can call me Tristan if my name bothers you," he said with a smile. It was the first time I saw him smile. He looked shocked and bewildered since we met upstairs.

"Tristan sounds nice. Hey, you haven't touched your food yet!"

"It's too hot."

"Really? I've already eaten half of mine. It's tastier when it's warm," I said as I took another sip. He grabbed his spoon and began to take a sip.

He began living with me. Or I began living with him? I'm not sure. All I know is that he has been living there even before I bought the house.

"Tristan!" I called out. "It's dark. Why didn't you light even just a few candles?"

"You're back early. Come, I made dinner." He took off my coat and led me to the dining room. I looked out for tables or chairs I might bump into, but it looked like he has cleared the path for me. "How can you cook? I thought you hated warmth and brightness?" I asked. He lighted a candle and gave it to me. He took a few steps back and I moved closer to the dining table."Sherbet!" I exclaimed. I placed the candle at the far end of the table and we began to dig into the frozen treat. There were lime sherbet, orange sherbet, pineapple, raspberry, cantaloupe, strawberry, grape, you name it. The evening was just like him, cold but sweet.

"Where were you?" I asked as I felt his weight sink on my bed. "I've been looking for you."

"Just out," Tristan replied coldly.

"Just out? You were out for a whole month! I walked the town every night, searching for dark places where you might be lurking." I raised my voice this time. He moved his finger towards my lips to silence me, but he quickly pulled away as soon as he touched my lips. It's as if I burnt his finger.

"You're sick. I knew you couldn't take the coldness; I had to leave. But you searched for me each night, now your health has gone worse."

"Why don't you just keep the windows shut? And keep the candles and the fireplace burning?"

"Please don't be mad. You know I have to live in cold and in darkness."

"Stay away from the light then. And find a room where you can keep the windows open all night long."

"It's not just the chilly wind outside. My presence alone makes this house cold and unpleasant."

I arrived home late again. The fireplace was lit and Tristan was sitting across the room, by the shut windows, gazing at the moon. It was full. I walked towards him and stroked his messy hair. "Why don't we go to the lake tonight?" I asked him.

"It's freezing," I said as I wrapped my arms across my chest to keep the wind from blowing my coat. The moon was shining brightly upon Tristan's pale face, but he didn't mind. He was untying the small row boat from the dock. He helped me into the boat and started rowing. Soon we found ourselves in the middle of the majestic lake, under the large moon which gleamed on both of us. "The moon is the only radiant thing I enjoy seeing, next to your smile," Tristan said turning to me. I burst into laughter because I wasn't used to him teasing me. He was always cold and serious.

It was freezing outside. I closed the door behind me and lighted a match. "Tristan?" I called. I found him sitting by an open window, the drapes and his hair being blown by the wind.

"Why do you keep doing that?" I asked.

"Doing what?" The shadow replied.

"Blowing the candles, shutting the drapes, opening the windows at night. You know I hate it when you do those things," I said as I struggled to pull the windows shut. It was chilly and the wind was blowing hard.

"I'm sorry," he whispered as he brushed my ruffled hair away from my face and kissed me on my forehead. It was the coldest kiss. It felt as if my face were frozen.

"I thought we agreed on this," I said. I put away his pale hands which were clutching my shoulders and left him to bask in the comfort of his darkness.

I went straight to bed. I didn't want to deal with him anymore. He knew how much I loathed the darkness. He knew how much I couldn't stand the cold. He knew that it makes me ill. Why does he keep doing things that he knew would hurt me?

I woke up the next morning to find out that something in the house seemed different. My furniture were still in their same positions - the drapes, the couches, the tables. But something in them has changed, their colors were more vibrant. The drapes were tied to let the daylight in and brighten my house. The sun was shining on me as if it was restoring my health. I have never felt this warm for a long while. It was like I had been frozen for years! I knew then that Tristan had left for good. We could never live together. For I was fire and he was ice, I was day and he was night.

The Holidays

I had a blast.

Three days before Christmas Eve, my mom took me shopping for gifts. It was exhausting, but she bought me a pretty gift.

She asked me to wrap everything the next day, which I did. I love wrapping presents. There was only one thing I hated that day, that thing in my eye. I don't know how I got thing. I just woke up and then there's something inside my eye. It was stuck there the whole day. When I got so irritated, I called my dad and told him about it. He's always the first one I consult when it comes to my health. Btw he's not a doctor, he's an engineer. He advised me to go the hospital and ask someone from the emergency room to attend to me. I did, although I think it's really funny to be in an emergency room just because I have something in my eye. The nurses never let me walk; they always let me use the wheelchair even if I have to walk just to the next room. It makes me feel like I'm so sick. After cleaning my eyelid and flushing a liter (yes, a liter, seriously) of sodium chloride solution into my eye, nothing happened. I can still feel that thing in my eye. The doctor told me the thing must have been flushed away and what I was feeling was a scratch. She asked me to see an ophthalmologist in the morning.

Mom made me wear an eye pad so I wouldn't get too irritated when I feel the thing. I have a picture of myself with the eye pad, but I prefer not to show it to you :p

I waited in line for an hour. The patient before me was an eleven-year-old boy whose one eye was swelling. When I finally met my doctor, he made me peek into an apparatus so he could check my eye. It turned out that it wasn't a scratch. That one liter of sodium chloride solution didn't flush the thing away. He said that it looked like some part of an insect's exoskeleton. And that particular insect loves beds. So that's why I had it when I woke up. I trembled when I saw him get a syringe and a needle. For a moment there I thought my eye was going to get a shot. He used the needle to poke the thing off and he wiped it on a cotton swab. The rascal looked just like a speck of dust. He told me that my eye had a little scratch and that it would heal before Christmas.

I woke up the next morning to find out that it was really gone. Mom and Dad were working at the farm and they would be back in the evening, in time to make the Noche Buena. They were so tired when they got back that they drifted off to sleep almost immediately. Mom woke up at around 11PM only to find out that it was too late to cook. She made haste to cook anyway. We ate at around 2AM and my sister, who was spending the holidays with our relatives in the US, called. We told her how much we enjoyed our Mango Bravo cake from Conti's (we always have that cake for Christmas Eve) and that she missed it. And since my sisters and I had been nice all year, we gave her our wish list. Teehee.

Noche Buena by Mom

A closer look at Conti's Mango Bravo

I thought the next day would be just like any other Christmas Day - visiting Lolo in San Pablo, Mom's side in Makati, and then Dad's side in Parañaque. For some reasons, Dad's side in Parañaque couldn't prepare dinner so we had dinner at our place instead. It was a surprise dinner so we had to get home before them, clean our messy house, and make dinner. The cramming was successful. Dinner was followed by exchanging gifts, yay!

Those are my cousins with Lolo

I asked Dad to take me to Recto so I could buy cat, fish, and chicken bones. He used to go there back in college. All that walking around Manila gave his legs muscle pains so he asked me to give him a massage. He told me that he's becoming old. That he gets tired easily. He told me that I should have been born earlier so he could take me to Recto and buy stuff without him getting tired easily. I told him to jog regularly again.

I haven't touched my bones yet. Maybe when I get back to school. Anyway, I got a haircut. I was actually torn between growing it long or cutting it. I want nice, long hair to style on December (because my sister's engaged but I don't want to be the one to break it to you but who reads this blog anyway?). However, short hair is easier to maintain and my long hair makes me look ten years older I don't know. I'd post a picture of my hair, but I'm afraid I don't have a nice picture of it.

We spent the New Year's Eve in Makati, with my mom's relatives. She said she wanted noise and all, well, we got those.

Those are my cousins, Deia and Polo.

Cheers for 2012! Break a leg.