Life Decisions of an Undergrad

Here I am making decisions that will dictate how my last (hopefully) year as an undergraduate would fare. There is Number 1. I hope I made the right choice. Although I still have to tweak it a little. I haven't had the time to make that decision about Number 1 because school is killing me. I just came back from three exams, for God's sake! Note to self: Settle everything under Number 1 as soon as possible to avoid mishaps.

There comes Number 2. This is something big, although Number 1 is bigger. Unlike Number 1, I have already settled everything under Number 2. Several months back, I was sure that I would never ever ever consider Number 2. But you know what? During those times I take a break from studying in the wee hours of the morning and I stare out of my bedroom window, I realized how small the world I was keeping myself in. How long have I been limiting myself to the same people I know, the same places I know, the same things I do? For years I had held myself back for a silly reason: to save my time for the ones I love the most. I said no to opportunities. I closed the doors that open before me. I turned away from hands that reach out to me. I did those just so I could attend to my priorities without hassle. So that night I paused genetics, comparative vertebrate anatomy, and microbiology, I thought that it was my turn to grab the opportunities and care less about what I might leave behind. Maybe it 's time that I forget my silly reason and accept the fact that I cannot pause our lives without pausing my own. What purpose would my spare time serve when the ones I have been saving my time for are not here to receive it? I feel stuck. I, myself, had put my own life on hold. But now it's time to press play and move forward. I need to care less about what might get left behind. Those who wish/were meant to stay will follow  anyway. And this time, I am setting my own pace. Those who are too slow will get left behind. Because that's the real world, isn't it? In the struggle for survival, the fittest win out at the expense of their rivals. (Charles Darwin)


And if given a chance to make a change, why not take it? I remember I once told a friend about something wrong within a particular system. I was hoping he'd say something like, "I want to change the system," but he did not. I must admit I was a little disappointed. But I know I can make a difference with Number 2. So I will be that change I want to see.

The Cave

I thought it was hail but when I looked up, it was actually the sky. The sky was falling. The sky was breaking and was falling to pieces. I hurried to find shelter. I stayed under the shed while watching the sky fall. Suddenly, there was a loud thud from a distance. It was followed by more thuds and thumps, even louder this time. I turned around to see where the sounds were coming from. The trees were falling down. The ground was breaking just as the sky was and the trees were being pulled down. I had to run. I ran as fast as I could to places where the ground was still firm and unscathed. I stopped to breathe. Then it rained. I found myself in the middle of a meadow. I paused, trying to remember something. Something that happened many years ago in this exact place. I couldn't recall what it was, so I started running again. I saw a man standing by a short fence; he was looking out at a bay. I approached him to warn him about the peril that was coming.

"Sir?" I asked.

The man turned around. I knew this man! I have met him before. At the coffee shop? Bookstore? University? The man touched my hand and smiled. Of course it was him! I could not be mistaken.

"I never thought I'd find you here," I said.

"I was waiting for you," he replied. "How did we ever grow apart?"

"Hush, love. I'm here now. We must go. The sky is falling, the ground is shattering, and I fear the darkness will last forever. Let's move."

"There is no escape. This was meant to happen. No matter how good you hide, you will be found. And you shall then be destroyed, together with the seas, the skies, the soil, and the stars."

I held his hands and I wept. "But we can still run, can't we? We can prolong our existence even for just a few minutes. I need time. Hold me in our last seconds together."

And there under the moonlight, he held me and whispered, "You do not know how long I have waited to have you back in my arms. How did we ever grow apart?"

"Let's run," I said. "We still have time. Let's run and hide somewhere only the two of us know. This could be the end of all."

"I know," he replied. He grabbed my hand and we ran and ran until we reached a place familiar to both of us. He took a key from his pocket and unlocked the iron gate. He locked the gate as soon as we entered the mouth of the cave. We stepped into the darkness and moved deeper into the cave. 

"I could die right now if you would just hold me," I said. 

He kissed me on my forehead and looked away. "I have an unfinished business. Would you stay here and wait for me?"

"Again? But I could be dead when you return!" My voice echoed across the room. "And you wonder how we've grown apart?"

"I won't take long," he said.

I sat on the corner of that dark, empty cave and watched him disappear. I heard the lock click and the gate open.

The Lonely

"Why do you keep doing that?" She asked. The pale moon illuminated her as she stood by the open window. She was furious, but beautiful still.

"Doing what?" I asked her. I could not think of a better reply. She was enraged. I did not know what to do.

"Blowing the candles, shutting the drapes, opening the windows at night. You know I hate it when you do those things," she said as she struggled to pull the windows shut.

Her hair was ruffled by the wind, her face wrathful, and her eyes sharp. She looked at me and I can tell that in her mind she is ripping my flesh and pulling out my heart. "I'm sorry," I whispered as I brushed her hair away from her face. I looked at her. She was  perfect, even with her angry eyes. I knew she was cold and I had to keep her warm so I leaned over to kiss her on the forehead, but it seemed that she felt even colder. I put my hands on her shoulders so I could warm her but she put my hands away and said, "I thought we agreed on this." With that, she left me in the cold darkness where I truly belong.

The windows, I have to get them repaired. Every night I have to wake in the middle of it because the wind has opened my windows. I'm sure there are just some loose screws. Somehow I can't get this place warm and brightened.  The cold atmosphere in the house always blows out my candles. Opening the drapes do not do much difference. And then there's a shadow. It's as if it was following me everywhere I go, watching everything I do. I was never sure about it until I arrived home late one night.

I went up to my bedroom and lighted a candle. Just as I was starting to undress, I noticed that the window was open and the wind was blowing through the drapes. I walked towards the open window and there, just behind my drapes, stood a young man. He was tall and skinny and his skin was pale. He scratched his head which ruffled his hair even more and extended his hand. "I'm the Lonely," he said. I gazed at my guest. His hair was dark and so were his pants, his coat, and his tie. He seemed odd, but he looked nice. "Felize," I said as I shook his hand.

I made soup for both of us that night. "Why do you sit across me? You can sit closer. I won't mind," I motioned for my guest to come nearer. The dinner table was very long and my candle illuminated only a limited area. I couldn't see his face clearly.

"It's too bright," he answered, pointing to my candle.

"What did you say your name was again? I'm sorry, I don't think I got it right."

"The Lonely."

"The Lonely? Who would name their son like that? I'm sorry. Am I being rude? I'm just excited to have company in this cold and dark house."

"You can call me Tristan if my name bothers you," he said with a smile. It was the first time I saw him smile. He looked shocked and bewildered since we met upstairs.

"Tristan sounds nice. Hey, you haven't touched your food yet!"

"It's too hot."

"Really? I've already eaten half of mine. It's tastier when it's warm," I said as I took another sip. He grabbed his spoon and began to take a sip.

He began living with me. Or I began living with him? I'm not sure. All I know is that he has been living there even before I bought the house.

"Tristan!" I called out. "It's dark. Why didn't you light even just a few candles?"

"You're back early. Come, I made dinner." He took off my coat and led me to the dining room. I looked out for tables or chairs I might bump into, but it looked like he has cleared the path for me. "How can you cook? I thought you hated warmth and brightness?" I asked. He lighted a candle and gave it to me. He took a few steps back and I moved closer to the dining table."Sherbet!" I exclaimed. I placed the candle at the far end of the table and we began to dig into the frozen treat. There were lime sherbet, orange sherbet, pineapple, raspberry, cantaloupe, strawberry, grape, you name it. The evening was just like him, cold but sweet.

"Where were you?" I asked as I felt his weight sink on my bed. "I've been looking for you."

"Just out," Tristan replied coldly.

"Just out? You were out for a whole month! I walked the town every night, searching for dark places where you might be lurking." I raised my voice this time. He moved his finger towards my lips to silence me, but he quickly pulled away as soon as he touched my lips. It's as if I burnt his finger.

"You're sick. I knew you couldn't take the coldness; I had to leave. But you searched for me each night, now your health has gone worse."

"Why don't you just keep the windows shut? And keep the candles and the fireplace burning?"

"Please don't be mad. You know I have to live in cold and in darkness."

"Stay away from the light then. And find a room where you can keep the windows open all night long."

"It's not just the chilly wind outside. My presence alone makes this house cold and unpleasant."

I arrived home late again. The fireplace was lit and Tristan was sitting across the room, by the shut windows, gazing at the moon. It was full. I walked towards him and stroked his messy hair. "Why don't we go to the lake tonight?" I asked him.

"It's freezing," I said as I wrapped my arms across my chest to keep the wind from blowing my coat. The moon was shining brightly upon Tristan's pale face, but he didn't mind. He was untying the small row boat from the dock. He helped me into the boat and started rowing. Soon we found ourselves in the middle of the majestic lake, under the large moon which gleamed on both of us. "The moon is the only radiant thing I enjoy seeing, next to your smile," Tristan said turning to me. I burst into laughter because I wasn't used to him teasing me. He was always cold and serious.

It was freezing outside. I closed the door behind me and lighted a match. "Tristan?" I called. I found him sitting by an open window, the drapes and his hair being blown by the wind.

"Why do you keep doing that?" I asked.

"Doing what?" The shadow replied.

"Blowing the candles, shutting the drapes, opening the windows at night. You know I hate it when you do those things," I said as I struggled to pull the windows shut. It was chilly and the wind was blowing hard.

"I'm sorry," he whispered as he brushed my ruffled hair away from my face and kissed me on my forehead. It was the coldest kiss. It felt as if my face were frozen.

"I thought we agreed on this," I said. I put away his pale hands which were clutching my shoulders and left him to bask in the comfort of his darkness.

I went straight to bed. I didn't want to deal with him anymore. He knew how much I loathed the darkness. He knew how much I couldn't stand the cold. He knew that it makes me ill. Why does he keep doing things that he knew would hurt me?

I woke up the next morning to find out that something in the house seemed different. My furniture were still in their same positions - the drapes, the couches, the tables. But something in them has changed, their colors were more vibrant. The drapes were tied to let the daylight in and brighten my house. The sun was shining on me as if it was restoring my health. I have never felt this warm for a long while. It was like I had been frozen for years! I knew then that Tristan had left for good. We could never live together. For I was fire and he was ice, I was day and he was night.

The Holidays

I had a blast.

Three days before Christmas Eve, my mom took me shopping for gifts. It was exhausting, but she bought me a pretty gift.

She asked me to wrap everything the next day, which I did. I love wrapping presents. There was only one thing I hated that day, that thing in my eye. I don't know how I got thing. I just woke up and then there's something inside my eye. It was stuck there the whole day. When I got so irritated, I called my dad and told him about it. He's always the first one I consult when it comes to my health. Btw he's not a doctor, he's an engineer. He advised me to go the hospital and ask someone from the emergency room to attend to me. I did, although I think it's really funny to be in an emergency room just because I have something in my eye. The nurses never let me walk; they always let me use the wheelchair even if I have to walk just to the next room. It makes me feel like I'm so sick. After cleaning my eyelid and flushing a liter (yes, a liter, seriously) of sodium chloride solution into my eye, nothing happened. I can still feel that thing in my eye. The doctor told me the thing must have been flushed away and what I was feeling was a scratch. She asked me to see an ophthalmologist in the morning.

Mom made me wear an eye pad so I wouldn't get too irritated when I feel the thing. I have a picture of myself with the eye pad, but I prefer not to show it to you :p

I waited in line for an hour. The patient before me was an eleven-year-old boy whose one eye was swelling. When I finally met my doctor, he made me peek into an apparatus so he could check my eye. It turned out that it wasn't a scratch. That one liter of sodium chloride solution didn't flush the thing away. He said that it looked like some part of an insect's exoskeleton. And that particular insect loves beds. So that's why I had it when I woke up. I trembled when I saw him get a syringe and a needle. For a moment there I thought my eye was going to get a shot. He used the needle to poke the thing off and he wiped it on a cotton swab. The rascal looked just like a speck of dust. He told me that my eye had a little scratch and that it would heal before Christmas.

I woke up the next morning to find out that it was really gone. Mom and Dad were working at the farm and they would be back in the evening, in time to make the Noche Buena. They were so tired when they got back that they drifted off to sleep almost immediately. Mom woke up at around 11PM only to find out that it was too late to cook. She made haste to cook anyway. We ate at around 2AM and my sister, who was spending the holidays with our relatives in the US, called. We told her how much we enjoyed our Mango Bravo cake from Conti's (we always have that cake for Christmas Eve) and that she missed it. And since my sisters and I had been nice all year, we gave her our wish list. Teehee.

Noche Buena by Mom

A closer look at Conti's Mango Bravo

I thought the next day would be just like any other Christmas Day - visiting Lolo in San Pablo, Mom's side in Makati, and then Dad's side in Parañaque. For some reasons, Dad's side in Parañaque couldn't prepare dinner so we had dinner at our place instead. It was a surprise dinner so we had to get home before them, clean our messy house, and make dinner. The cramming was successful. Dinner was followed by exchanging gifts, yay!

Those are my cousins with Lolo

I asked Dad to take me to Recto so I could buy cat, fish, and chicken bones. He used to go there back in college. All that walking around Manila gave his legs muscle pains so he asked me to give him a massage. He told me that he's becoming old. That he gets tired easily. He told me that I should have been born earlier so he could take me to Recto and buy stuff without him getting tired easily. I told him to jog regularly again.

I haven't touched my bones yet. Maybe when I get back to school. Anyway, I got a haircut. I was actually torn between growing it long or cutting it. I want nice, long hair to style on December (because my sister's engaged but I don't want to be the one to break it to you but who reads this blog anyway?). However, short hair is easier to maintain and my long hair makes me look ten years older I don't know. I'd post a picture of my hair, but I'm afraid I don't have a nice picture of it.

We spent the New Year's Eve in Makati, with my mom's relatives. She said she wanted noise and all, well, we got those.

Those are my cousins, Deia and Polo.

Cheers for 2012! Break a leg.