Give all my secrets away.
A part of me wishes that I don't get in that school. I remember last Sunday when my dad asked me, "Ano'ng gagawin mo 'pag di ka pumasa sa [insert school here]?" I answered, "Ayaw kong mag-aral sa hindi [school 1] or [school 2]." Maybe it was the alcohol, I don't know, but it was the most honest answer I gave my dad since I can't remember when. I added that I will get a job, in a pharmaceutical company or a mining company, and retake the NMAT on December and retry my applications. What my dad said after was the most encouraging words I heard from him whenever I consider taking a different career. He told me that the company he works for is hiring biologists, although that job is only available abroad. At that moment, I thought he was considering it - that I can opt not to go to med school. I should have told him that I would love to get a master's degree in Microbiology instead. Because right now, that's what I want.
If I stay in UP, I will have a higher chance of getting an opportunity to get a PhD abroad. My thoughts about getting a PhD are still unsure, but I have already laid out my plans after graduation if ever my dad allows me to drop medicine. I will enroll in the MS Microbiology program right after graduation and teach part-time. After around two years, I can get a PhD or enter the industry. I promise I won't get stuck in the academe - it's the only thing I fear in getting a master's degree. If my dad won't allow me to study right after graduation, I will get a job, and then get a master's degree.
I actually made a list of the pros and cons of medicine and biology. What I discovered is that studying medicine will grant me five years of housing, food, clothing, gas, and everything paid for my parents, and that when I turn 30, it's the only time I will actually experience being an adult. Studying microbiology, on the other hand, will take all those housing, food, clothing, gas, and etc. allowance from me, but it will give me independence and happiness. There was this time when I gave our dog antibiotics and I felt...happy and warm. It's as if I would be happier giving our dog her medications than giving a human patient his. My dad also noticed that - that I take care of our dogs very well. He even said that maybe I should take veterinary medicine instead. Is that a sign?
Now I have to find a way to tell my dad about this decision soon so I can inform the Institute that I want to join the Microbiology group. And that I will accept teaching load.
I may have some mild depression. I have been down for around three weeks now - breaking down and sleeping a lot. I have lost a lot of weight - I know because my pants have become loose. I was actually considering telling my dad about this to ask him to get me a psychologist. What's worse is that I may have become alcohol-dependent - drinking just so the problems will go away and I can laugh my heart out. But there's no need to worry, I did not initiate any drinking session this week because I am trying to cure myself. If I find myself sulking and crying again next week, I swear I'll tell my dad about this.
Here's another secret. Well, it's not actually a secret, but it will remain so until he notices. As difficult and painful as it is, I am setting him free. I only hope that I can get a little credit, a tap on the back and a heartfelt thanks. Just so I'll know it was worth it. Because right now I don't really know where to stand.
