Three More Months

First wave of exams is over so I'm using this exam-free week to catch up with my thesis and, hopefully, maybe meet the deadlines I set for myself.

Let me tell you how I prepared myself for thesis week right after exam week. I watched Ice Age 4 and The Amazing Spiderman. I stress-ate at Burger King and I got bangs. I've been itching to have my hair cut short again, but hey, this is the longest hair I have had since I graduated from high school. For reasons I unconsciously make, I have never grown my hair long since 2009. And there's this creative shot we have to make for graduation photos and my friends want my hair long when the shot is taken.

I bought this oh-so precise ruler for my thesis. Measuring my specimens is difficult, but I'm enjoying using my new ruler. I should have bought calipers  for convenience, but it might damage my hard-earned specimens.

The reason I'm writing despite my busy schedule is that I miss you, Blogspot. I've been meaning to write fiction to satisfy these feelings stirring inside me but with everything going around, I can't seem to find time. And I'm sorta lacking inspiration. Maybe I'll write one some time this week.

I just want this term to end. For several reasons...

I feel like I'm the personification of stress right now.

The first month is over. And there are still four months left before the semester ends. I'm so tired that I feel like the semester is almost over. I'm not even half-way there! Every day is a busy day, seriously. I don't even have time to bring my clothes to laundry service. I go home late and I go to school early. My body feels so used. And I have this problem in coping with stress, it started just this month. I'm trying so hard to break the habit. Maybe I should switch to ice cream instead.

Thesis. My adviser is asking too much from my thesis. I don't even know where to start. And I have three unidentified specimens. I hope they're new species :>

Org stuff. 'Nuff said.

Cell biology, animal physiology, plant systematics. They're killing me. I can't wait to graduate and leave for med school. I want a fresh start. A reset. No history.

I'm thinking of getting a planner because I have so many deadlines to beat. Every week I have at least two things to submit or accomplish. But I scrapped that idea of getting myself a planner because (1) so far, I have never missed a deadline and (2) I don't want my life planned. I mean, I have plans - go to med school, travel around the world, have Siberian huskies. It's just that I feel my whole life has been planned since I was little and all I get to decide are minor ones like which courses to take this semester, what to wear today, who to be friends with. With a planner, I'll feel even more pressured. I just need a little spontaneity, that's all.

You know what, it's funny I still have time to think about other things with all those deadlines in my head. I still get the chance to stop and spare a thought for you. Maybe I'll just study more and get better than average grades. Or maybe jog around the campus to lose all the weight I accumulated from stress-eating/drinking. Maybe write a story or learn a new song in the piano. I don't know. Anything to fill those gaps in my clock. Because lately I have been longing to find someone to talk/rant to after each stressful day. Oh wait. There's Frank.

Sem-Starter Post

I should be telling you how exciting (and equally tiring) my summer was - chasing dragonflies and damselflies, climbing mountains, and swimming in the beach, but let me tell you tell you how I feel right now first.

School starts tomorrow and like most students, I'm not yet ready. Not even a little. My class starts at 7:30 AM and I'm still here at home, which means I have to travel around two hours to be at school before class. You see, I haven't found an apartment yet. I'm not even enrolled yet! I guess the best thing that happened to me this week was getting my thesis proposal approved. And maybe slowly starting to get a grip on my chairperson responsibilities whatever. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. This is the first time I proved to myself that high school is way different from college. That college is not just high school with more expensive books, like Serena van der Woodsen once said. And for the first time since that stupid summer, I felt like myself again, alive and strong. But still, those responsibilities are killing me. I never get some me-time! And then there's my thesis. Thank God, I'm halfway done with it. But my thesis adviser's really, really keen in dissecting your paper; he won't stop until you're sweating blood.

I'd like to start telling you about my summer and show you photos of my dragonfly and damselfly collection, but I need a place to stay in until Thursday night. I need to find a place I can settle in until even just the end of the semester. I'm sorry for the shameless ranting, but I bet no one reads this blog anyway. It's just that...I'm not spending the night drinking and celebrating the beginning of the semester like I always do. But things change. And so do people.

PS

See my About Me section over there? It says there GRADUATING, yay! But I don't really want to leave. Not just yet.

Farms and Valleys

My one week-long summer break is almost over. Though most of it I spent cooped inside the house playing various PC games, I must say that the little time I spent outside made my break a bit notable. That's due to a couple of reasons, one of which I'd rather keep to myself.

We visited the farm. It has been a long time since my last visit. I no longer visit as frequent as before because I was over catching and identifying insects. A lot of things have changed. There were no more sheep and piglets, only sows, chickens, catfish, and turkey chicks. 

We have three cute turkey chicks. This one wandered outside its house and got lost. It ended up with the chickens, looking like an ugly duckling. 

Unlike last summer, there were no lettuce, cauliflowers, and carrots to pick. But there were papayas and peppers.

And that's my sister showing off her dress.

She found these mushrooms growing out of a log, so we had a contest where the one who takes a better picture of the fungi wins.

We had our chickens for dinner. I guess you don't want to read (or see) how those free range chickens ended up on our plates so let me skip to the next day where we drove to the mountains.

We went to Bangkong Kahoy the next day. It's a valley, seated between Banahaw and San Cristobal. The weather was hot and sunny, but windy, which cools the given conditions. We had lunch and raspberry shake first before starting the tour. Did I mention how long the shakes were prepared because they still had to pick raspberries from their farm? 

There were lots of raspberries growing along the way. This one's still too sour to eat.

And then we rode along the zip-line. It wasn't that scary (in fact it's not scary at all) after you've crossed this...bridge. You have to cross the bridge so you can get to the other side and start the zip-line from there. Well this bridge, I refuse to call it hanging because it wasn't hung. It's more like...pinned to the ground. It's actually a wire mesh - some of its parts covered with wooden planks - narrow enough to accommodate your two feet. There were no handrails. You can either hold on to your harness or to the rope above your head where your harness is attached. It wasn't that bad if you don't mind crossing the bridge watching your feet and seeing a glimpse of the canopy of trees way below. You have to watch your feet because the bridge is narrow and you would certainly want to keep it balanced. Anyway, that's not the hard part. The bridge terminates by ascending to where the zip-line actually starts. Covering those last few meters up the slope was the hardest part, for most of us. My heart was beating really fast when I finally got to the other side. I feel like it wants to break free from my pericardial sac ribs. Too bad I can't show you how the bridge looked like. I hope I described it enough for you to imagine it, but this would help.

My sister wants us to go at the same time, so there.

It was a short ride, but it was scenic and breathtaking. Next time I'll try zip-lines where I can lie on my belly and face down.

My sister and my cousins went horseback riding after the zip-line experience until it was time for us to go home. I almost forgot to tell you that Bangkong Kahoy Valley offers trekking and bird watching! Too bad we don't have much time and most of us (my cousins which are children and my grandparents) can't go on a hike. Oh well, there's a huge possibility I'm taking field biology this summer, so hello mountain treks! I wish we can have a trip to the beach, even just once, and  maybe see fishes, starfishes, crabs, whatever. I'd really like to hit the beach right now.

For One Hell of a Sem

Tomorrow morning I'm finally going home to stay. My semester is officially over. Thank God. I finished packing two-thirds of my stuff yesterday. Tomorrow I'll pack the remaining third - dirty laundry and small stuff my handbag can carry. I bought a balikbayan box to stuff them in. Upon sorting my things, I found my bluebooks from way back my first semester in UP.

Those aren't all of them, I don't know where my other bluebooks had gone. The one on top is an exam in Philosophy 1. I kept it because it's the only exam where I got full points for my essay. And I enjoyed my Philo 1 with Sir Rubicon Soberano.


Under those bluebooks are my Math 17, 53, and 54 exams, Chem 16 exams, the only Chem 31 exam I passed, Geog 1 exam, Bio 12 and 180 exams, and...I can't remember the others.

I also found my first ever Form 5! I threw away all my other Form 5's since they had a different look since my second year. The new Form 5 just looked like a black print on white paper. I don't know where my Form 5 for the second semester of the academic year 2009-2010 had gone.

This is a "happy birthday greeting" my boyfriend made for me four years ago. There were three greetings, if I remember correctly, but I managed to save only one. He posted this one on the facade of the old building of our high school.

And this is my balikbayan box. It's going to stay at my friend's house for the whole summer. Around this time next year, I'd probably have two of those boxes, but they're not going to stay at my friend's house anymore. They would be taken home and then maybe would be taken to my new home, wherever my med school is. But who knows? Maybe I could get a master's degree instead and stay here in Diliman. OHGODILOVEDILIMANTOPIECES

Anyway, I'm so excited to go home, away from all the stress and pressure. Did I mention I passed that one subject which almost killed me? Ang sarap pumasa sa subject na buong sem mong iginapang. Now I'm just waiting for a Friday night out.

Lost

Remember those two things I told you about some posts ago? I didn't want to name those things until I'm sure of them. But since a lot of time has passed and so many things have happened, here you go: 

1. Thesis. Last year in our field trip in Laguna (for an Animal Taxonomy Elective, which btw is Entomology), I realized who my thesis adviser was going to be. He's no other than my Entomology instructor. I talked to him and expressed my intentions in late February this year and he immediately accepted me as his student. Two weeks ago I had lunch with him, together with my co-advisees, and we talked about our plans. It's funny how at that time I felt like my life was falling apart -  no direction, grades hanging loosely on a thread, but when I talked to him, I felt like he was putting me back on track. It's as if all the hard work for my studies and all are finally paying off. He approved of my topic; it's still a rough plan but we're planning to survey the diversity of dragonflies in some place in Sorsogon, Bicol in both wet and dry seasons.

2. Committee Chairperson. I ran for a position in our organization. Honestly, I never imagined myself doing that. But things happened and there I was, presenting my GPOA in the miting de avance. I got the position, which means a busier year ahead for me. On August, we will be celebrating our 60th anniversary and we have big plans. We want a golden age.

So there you have it, thesis and the 60th anniversary. I wanted something to spend my time on. My past years in college consisted of me pulling someone to do this and that with me. It was like everyone was starting on their lives and I was stuck there, asking them to sit with me and waste time. I thought I just couldn't move on, but in fact, I chose to remain unmoved and delayed people from moving on. All along I thought I was doing a good thing saving my time for them but in truth, I was just a selfish person asking for much of their time just because I wanted them to be bored with me. I ended up turning my back on opportunities that would help me move on and grow. It's sad thinking that I wasn't like this when I was in high school. I was stronger and braver back then. I had dreams and I was determined to make them come true. It's sad how a simple lie can give you trauma and suck all the strength and courage within you.

Even with those two things planned for me next school year, I can't help but feel lost. I don't know whether to take summer classes (to lessen my load next year) or not because I'm still waiting for my thesis adviser's go signal. He's supposed to make arrangements for the survey if we intend to gather data for the dry season. March and April are the best months to collect dragonflies. He hasn't informed me yet whether he had arranged everything or not, so I'm stuck here waiting for him.

I'm thinking of my thesis, but I'm not even sure of passing all 17 units this semester. I don't even care about my scholarship anymore. I don't care if I get a 3.00 in all my subjects. Just...let me pass.

I will be taking the NMAT on Sunday, but I'm not yet prepared. Instead of studying, I'm writing this and reading tweets about tips for the NMAT. Honestly, I'm having doubts in going to med school. I was so sure of wanting to be a surgeon until this year. One time last year I told my dad how much I'm enjoying Biology. He asked me if I wanted to be a biologist instead. He told me that either is fine. But I told him that I wanted to be a doctor, it's just interesting what biologists do. But what would people say if they learned I no longer want to be a doctor? That I got afraid of studying for another four or five years? But who the hell cares about what other people think?

And then there's this feeling that I'm starting to love UP. For a long time I have been itching to leave UP and start anew. I hated UP because it gave me lot of painful memories. It reminded me of all the sadness, and anger, and lies, and secrets, and ghosts who still haunt me in my sleep. But right now it feels like all those got buried, except for the ghosts. I have been seeing them in my nightmares for two consecutive nights now. Just when I'm starting to enjoy, everything approaches the end. Next year is my last year as an undergrad in UP (hopefully, or not) and I don't want to leave yet. It was only last week when it has sunk to me that there is NO med school around Diliman. I'm leaving Diliman for sure. It's not that I'm afraid to leave my comfort zone; I just want to live in it a little longer. I'm even thinking of delaying my thesis for one semester, but that won't help if I'm going to med school. What if I take a master's degree? In microbiology, perhaps, or in marine science biology? But refusing to go to med school and pursuing a master's degree instead because I don't want to leave Diliman is not a good reason.

But what I really want to do right now is leave everything behind, escape reality. I try to sleep whenever I feel lonely, but those ghosts I mentioned before, they haunt me. Even sleep can't give me an escape. I just want to lie here on my bed, watch movies or listen to The Script and Coldplay. I didn't even go home today (in Muntinlupa) because I feel so stressed and depressed. I just want to travel far, faraway where no one can find me. And make no decisions. Just let the wind take me.

Too Much School Will Kill You

I just want a break from all these cats, DNA's, and bacteria. They're too much to handle and they're killing me, ever so slowly. Two exams each week, papers and reports on weekends, cat stench on your fingertips, blah blah blah. What's worse is that your hard work doesn't pay off. I don't feel bad that I studied at the Sunken  Garden while watching concerts at the UP Fair because I remembered everything I studied there. I don't feel bad that I partied last Monday night because I still wouldn't study [for my exam this afternoon] if I were at  home anyway.

I can't wait for this semester  to be over. I don't care if all my professors give me a 3.00; I just want to escape everything. Sometimes I secretly wish that the bus I was riding would crash and kill me. But that's a selfish thought because I'm guessing most of the passengers in the bus do not want to die yet. So instead I secretly wished to be hit by a car or a meteor or something while I'm about to cross the street or when I'm walking to my house. Now that would be a good escape. Sick, no? Hey, no judging!

It's not that I want to kill myself. It's more like...I want others to kill me. But seriously, I don't have plans of killing myself. I'm better than that, trust me. I can only go as far as imagining.

And then there's my thesis which I haven't planned out yet. Which reminds me, I have to talk to my adviser tomorrow and I don't have anything to tell him yet. Oh, the NMAT! I almost forgot. It's on March 25. I was expecting it would be later, like April. I planned not to go to a review center and to just buy reviewers and study them on my own. But really, I haven't bought any reviewers yet. Anyway I have this make-up quiz tomorrow because of an exam in which lots of people failed. So I'm going now. Bye-bye. I meant, good night. Someone told me that it's better to bid good night than bid goodbye. There. Good night!