A Very Different Valentine's Day

This is late, but here goes.

February 14, 2014 was the best Valentine's Day I have had in years. Yes, in years. It was also the most unusual Valentine's Day I have had in years because (1) I did not spend it with a guy - the same guy, and (2) I spent it with my friends.

On the eve of Valentine's Day I was at the UP Fair with my friends. Honestly, it was also the best UP Fair experience I ever had because (1) I was not with that same guy and his brods, and (2) I was not bothered thinking, "Why do you intentionally hurt me by doing things I don't like?" It was a perfect night even after I saw him there. Wearing that frat shirt. With that same girl he left me for. With that same girl who disrespected me. I have to admit I was deeply affected by that because he was with that same girl. I could have let it pass if he were with someone else. And then I realized that maybe it was the way of the universe to tell me, "I know you're already prepared to see this. He might not take it well if you switched situations. The next time you see them, I'm sure you'll do better." Anyway, thank god for my orgmates and my graduate friends for offering me hugs and listening to my rants. And for this guy who listened and tried to understand me.

The morning of Valentine's Day I spent working on this abstract my boss wants us to submit for a conference. Right after I finished writing it, I received a phone call. And this.

I had not bought him a gift yet and I felt so guilty so I left early for lunch and ate out with him.

The day ended with me sitting in a bus to Baguio. I may not have spent the night with him dining in some fancy restaurant, watching a movie, or drinking the night away, but I'm sure that we're both happy. And that this man makes me ridiculously happy and I want him to stay in my life.

Ssh...

Give all my secrets away.

A part of me wishes that I don't get in that school. I remember last Sunday when my dad asked me, "Ano'ng gagawin mo 'pag di ka pumasa sa [insert school here]?" I answered, "Ayaw kong mag-aral sa hindi [school 1] or [school 2]." Maybe it was the alcohol, I don't know, but it was the most honest answer I gave my dad since I can't remember when. I added that I will get a job, in a pharmaceutical company or a mining company, and retake the NMAT on December and retry my applications. What my dad said after was the most encouraging words I heard from him whenever I consider taking a different career. He told me that the company he works for is hiring biologists, although that job is only available abroad. At that moment, I thought he was considering it - that I can opt not to go to med school. I should have told him that I would love to get a master's degree in Microbiology instead. Because right now, that's what I want.

If I stay in UP, I will have a higher chance of getting an opportunity to get a PhD abroad. My thoughts about getting a PhD are still unsure, but I have already laid out my plans after graduation if ever my dad allows me to drop medicine. I will enroll in the MS Microbiology program right after graduation and teach part-time. After around two years, I can get a PhD or enter the industry. I promise I won't get stuck in the academe - it's the only thing I fear in getting a master's degree. If my dad won't allow me to study right after graduation, I will get a job, and then get a master's degree.

I actually made a list of the pros and cons of medicine and biology. What I discovered is that studying medicine will grant me five years of housing, food, clothing, gas, and everything paid for my parents, and that when I turn 30, it's the only time I will actually experience being an adult. Studying microbiology, on the other hand, will take all those housing, food, clothing, gas, and etc. allowance from me, but it will give me independence and happiness. There was this time when I gave our dog antibiotics and I felt...happy and warm. It's as if I would be happier giving our dog her medications than giving a human patient his. My dad also noticed that - that I take care of our dogs very well. He even said that maybe I should take veterinary medicine instead. Is that a sign?

Now I have to find a way to tell my dad about this decision soon so I can inform the Institute that I want to join the Microbiology group. And that I will accept teaching load.

I may have some mild depression. I have been down for around three weeks now - breaking down and sleeping a lot. I have lost a lot of weight - I know because my pants have become loose. I was actually considering telling my dad about this to ask him to get me a psychologist. What's worse is that I may have become alcohol-dependent - drinking just so the problems will go away and I can laugh my heart out.  But there's no need to worry, I did not initiate any drinking session this week because I am trying to cure myself. If I find myself sulking and crying again next week, I swear I'll tell my dad about this.

Here's another secret. Well, it's not actually a secret, but it will remain so until he notices. As difficult and painful as it is, I am setting him free. I only hope that I can get a little credit, a tap on the back and a heartfelt thanks. Just so I'll know it was worth it. Because right now I don't really know where to stand.

The Irony of Life

When you looked at the bright side of everything,
When you found time for family, friends, and work,
When you loved and expected nothing,
When you shared that smile to a stranger,
When you inspired the uninspired,
When you hoped for the hopeless.


When you finished something long before it's due,
When you finished something right before it's due,
When you believed in the doubtful.


When you let go for love,
When you let your heart break in exchange for his happiness,
When you needed him but you let him go,
When you silenced your protests,
When you cried but showed laughter,
When you did everything you could,
When you gave everything you had,
When you felt the most painful,
When you swallowed all your pride.

And that one person you did all those for took no notice.

Bring the hell weeks on

Today is officially the first day of my [hopefully] last semester as an undergraduate. And tonight is a lazy night where there are no reports to be written, scientific papers to be read, lectures to be studied, data to be processed, and events to be planned. Tonight is also an unfortunate night because I am sick when I haven't even been stressed yet. Now I am trying to get to sleep because I don't want to be late tomorrow and I'm saving all my free cuts for next year, preferably on February and March. The funny thing is I can't sleep because I'm not tired. And now I suddenly missed those stressful weeks when a minute is too precious to waste - when my mind is concentrated on nothing but school and it doesn't go pondering on other things that won't do me good.

Tonight my mind is pondering on those things which won't do me good. I can't wait for reports, scientific papers, books, my thesis, and event plans to pile on my bed while I sort them out and find which one needs to be attended immediately. Not getting enough sleep because of work is so much better than not getting enough sleep because of some shallow feelings. I can't wait for work to take my mind off unwanted feelings. I know it's temporary, but that's what works. I used to think that one should sort and/or fix his baggage so he could forget. But then I can't forget because I don't find it forgettable nor forgivable. I'll fix my own stuff in time. Until then, I'll work hard and serve selflessly.

Because that's what it takes to keep the story unfolding.

Hiccups

My acads are piling along with my thesis and I don't know how to stop them or to reduce the pile. What I know is I got hiccups after some beer. This is my first time to try to stay awake, write, and resist the oh-so inviting bed. What I know is I found myself in Sarah's comfort after finding myself scrolling down the endless news in Twitter - the kind of news I'd rather not mention. The only hint I can give you is I hate it, I don't want to talk about it, and it reduces much of my humanity ignoring it. Because I don't like the idea, therefore, I should not be involved with it or anything involved in it. But current events tick me, as if I must give a damn, show my cares, and I don't know, express my opinion? But no, I'd rather not. It will certainly result in the clash of ideas and I don't want it. Maybe I can still get through this without caring much about stuff. But omg I just want to return to my old self who values my principles so much

Life Decisions of an Undergrad

Here I am making decisions that will dictate how my last (hopefully) year as an undergraduate would fare. There is Number 1. I hope I made the right choice. Although I still have to tweak it a little. I haven't had the time to make that decision about Number 1 because school is killing me. I just came back from three exams, for God's sake! Note to self: Settle everything under Number 1 as soon as possible to avoid mishaps.

There comes Number 2. This is something big, although Number 1 is bigger. Unlike Number 1, I have already settled everything under Number 2. Several months back, I was sure that I would never ever ever consider Number 2. But you know what? During those times I take a break from studying in the wee hours of the morning and I stare out of my bedroom window, I realized how small the world I was keeping myself in. How long have I been limiting myself to the same people I know, the same places I know, the same things I do? For years I had held myself back for a silly reason: to save my time for the ones I love the most. I said no to opportunities. I closed the doors that open before me. I turned away from hands that reach out to me. I did those just so I could attend to my priorities without hassle. So that night I paused genetics, comparative vertebrate anatomy, and microbiology, I thought that it was my turn to grab the opportunities and care less about what I might leave behind. Maybe it 's time that I forget my silly reason and accept the fact that I cannot pause our lives without pausing my own. What purpose would my spare time serve when the ones I have been saving my time for are not here to receive it? I feel stuck. I, myself, had put my own life on hold. But now it's time to press play and move forward. I need to care less about what might get left behind. Those who wish/were meant to stay will follow  anyway. And this time, I am setting my own pace. Those who are too slow will get left behind. Because that's the real world, isn't it? In the struggle for survival, the fittest win out at the expense of their rivals. (Charles Darwin)


And if given a chance to make a change, why not take it? I remember I once told a friend about something wrong within a particular system. I was hoping he'd say something like, "I want to change the system," but he did not. I must admit I was a little disappointed. But I know I can make a difference with Number 2. So I will be that change I want to see.