Goodbye 2013

Goodbye 2013 and all your drama.

Goodbye 2013 and the whole month I delayed work on my manuscript. But I shall never forget so I may never, or at least avoid doing it again.

Goodbye 2013 and that stupid Valentine's Day I spent the whole night crying because of my manuscript and my then-boyfriend who couldn't be there when I needed him to. But I shall never forget my friends who stayed with me and made the night a little easier to let pass.

Goodbye 2013 and that med school-vs-master's drama. But I shall never forget the first time I made a big decision for myself, regardless of what other people will think of me.

Goodbye 2013 and my undergraduate years. But I shall never forget all the fun, crazy, blurry, drunken nights, the all-nighters, the mini heart attack before checking my grades, the hangovers on morning classes, and the friends who made those four years even better.

Goodbye 2013 and the baby steps to adulthood. But I shall never forget so I may take charge of this new stage better.

Goodbye 2013 and that limbo. But I shall never forget so I may continue making firm decisions and taking opportunities.

Goodbye 2013 and that stupid mistake. But I shall never forget so I may not make it again.

Goodbye 2013 and that heartbreak. But I shall never forget the first time I had my heart broken so I may remember that I am strong. I shall never forget the warm company I received from my family and my friends which was so helpful in getting me back to my feet, which made me realize that I wasn't broken at all.

Goodbye 2013 and those stressful days and drunken nights. But I shall never forget so I may remember to keep stress and alcohol low.

Goodbye 2013 and all those nightmares that happened each time I was awake.  But I shall never forget my housemates who woke me from these nightmares and helped me see how much better I can be. I shall never forget so I may have something to tell my children hahaha

Goodbye 2013 and those wrong moves and words. But I shall never forget so I may be more cautious on my actions and never lead on someone again. I shall never forget the first time I sang with only two of us as soprano. I shall never forget the first time I confessed my feelings for someone - not expecting any reply, but got it anyway. I shall never forget how I sort of believed in Santa Claus again for giving me what I wanted this Christmas. I shall never forget the first time I ran in the beach, felt free, and "saved" jellyfishes. And finally, I shall never forget the first time I felt afraid to fall in love.

Mid-term Updates

I know I promised telling you about my "new life" once I'm stable, so here goes.

I'm now working as a a full-time research associate in our Institute, yay! I'm a part-time graduate student. Anyway, the research is about Salmonella but we're not starting it yet for some reasons so I'm working on some protozoa for the meantime. Also, I have to think of a thesis topic related to the project so I can work on it while doing the project. I'll think about it on the weekend.

I also moved into a new house, with some old friends. Moving in was, um, okay. Staying is a little difficult, for some reasons I do not wish to disclose here.

I also started reading "A Song of Ice and Fire"! I found a nice quote right here from "A Storm of Swords":

“Sometimes,” Catelyn said slowly, “the best thing you can do is nothing. When I first came to Winterfell, I was hurt whenever Ned went to the godswood to sit beneath his heart tree. Part of his soul was in that tree, I knew, a part I would never share. Yet without that part, I soon realized, he would not have been Ned. Jeyne, child, you have wed the north, as I did … and in the north, the winters will come.” She tried to smile. “Be patient. Be understanding. He loves you and he needs you, and he will come back to you soon enough. This very night, perhaps. Be there when he does. That is all I can tell you.”

The thing is, he isn't Ned. And I'm not Catelyn. We're not married. And we are not in the beautiful world of Westeros. There are a lot of things going on in my mind about this - moving forward, dragging back, selfishness, selflessness, understanding, patience, hope, future. But I try to keep my mind occupied with more important things like graduate school, work, family and business, and travel. I don't want to waste my time thinking about stupid feelings that only I can feel, or thoughts that only I think of. The best part is I'm starting to care less - which is what I've been trying to do for so long to keep peace.

This post is unworthy, I know and I apologize. I'll try to write you a story some other time, if I get my heart broken again. This heart just won't break lately so nothing's become an inspiration. Oh wait, I have this story...about a man in white. I can't remember whether he was a knight, or just a warrior, or an angel or something. But I will write about him. Soon.

Ssh...

Give all my secrets away.

A part of me wishes that I don't get in that school. I remember last Sunday when my dad asked me, "Ano'ng gagawin mo 'pag di ka pumasa sa [insert school here]?" I answered, "Ayaw kong mag-aral sa hindi [school 1] or [school 2]." Maybe it was the alcohol, I don't know, but it was the most honest answer I gave my dad since I can't remember when. I added that I will get a job, in a pharmaceutical company or a mining company, and retake the NMAT on December and retry my applications. What my dad said after was the most encouraging words I heard from him whenever I consider taking a different career. He told me that the company he works for is hiring biologists, although that job is only available abroad. At that moment, I thought he was considering it - that I can opt not to go to med school. I should have told him that I would love to get a master's degree in Microbiology instead. Because right now, that's what I want.

If I stay in UP, I will have a higher chance of getting an opportunity to get a PhD abroad. My thoughts about getting a PhD are still unsure, but I have already laid out my plans after graduation if ever my dad allows me to drop medicine. I will enroll in the MS Microbiology program right after graduation and teach part-time. After around two years, I can get a PhD or enter the industry. I promise I won't get stuck in the academe - it's the only thing I fear in getting a master's degree. If my dad won't allow me to study right after graduation, I will get a job, and then get a master's degree.

I actually made a list of the pros and cons of medicine and biology. What I discovered is that studying medicine will grant me five years of housing, food, clothing, gas, and everything paid for my parents, and that when I turn 30, it's the only time I will actually experience being an adult. Studying microbiology, on the other hand, will take all those housing, food, clothing, gas, and etc. allowance from me, but it will give me independence and happiness. There was this time when I gave our dog antibiotics and I felt...happy and warm. It's as if I would be happier giving our dog her medications than giving a human patient his. My dad also noticed that - that I take care of our dogs very well. He even said that maybe I should take veterinary medicine instead. Is that a sign?

Now I have to find a way to tell my dad about this decision soon so I can inform the Institute that I want to join the Microbiology group. And that I will accept teaching load.

I may have some mild depression. I have been down for around three weeks now - breaking down and sleeping a lot. I have lost a lot of weight - I know because my pants have become loose. I was actually considering telling my dad about this to ask him to get me a psychologist. What's worse is that I may have become alcohol-dependent - drinking just so the problems will go away and I can laugh my heart out.  But there's no need to worry, I did not initiate any drinking session this week because I am trying to cure myself. If I find myself sulking and crying again next week, I swear I'll tell my dad about this.

Here's another secret. Well, it's not actually a secret, but it will remain so until he notices. As difficult and painful as it is, I am setting him free. I only hope that I can get a little credit, a tap on the back and a heartfelt thanks. Just so I'll know it was worth it. Because right now I don't really know where to stand.

The Irony of Life

When you looked at the bright side of everything,
When you found time for family, friends, and work,
When you loved and expected nothing,
When you shared that smile to a stranger,
When you inspired the uninspired,
When you hoped for the hopeless.


When you finished something long before it's due,
When you finished something right before it's due,
When you believed in the doubtful.


When you let go for love,
When you let your heart break in exchange for his happiness,
When you needed him but you let him go,
When you silenced your protests,
When you cried but showed laughter,
When you did everything you could,
When you gave everything you had,
When you felt the most painful,
When you swallowed all your pride.

And that one person you did all those for took no notice.

Hiccups

My acads are piling along with my thesis and I don't know how to stop them or to reduce the pile. What I know is I got hiccups after some beer. This is my first time to try to stay awake, write, and resist the oh-so inviting bed. What I know is I found myself in Sarah's comfort after finding myself scrolling down the endless news in Twitter - the kind of news I'd rather not mention. The only hint I can give you is I hate it, I don't want to talk about it, and it reduces much of my humanity ignoring it. Because I don't like the idea, therefore, I should not be involved with it or anything involved in it. But current events tick me, as if I must give a damn, show my cares, and I don't know, express my opinion? But no, I'd rather not. It will certainly result in the clash of ideas and I don't want it. Maybe I can still get through this without caring much about stuff. But omg I just want to return to my old self who values my principles so much

Sem-Starter Post

I should be telling you how exciting (and equally tiring) my summer was - chasing dragonflies and damselflies, climbing mountains, and swimming in the beach, but let me tell you tell you how I feel right now first.

School starts tomorrow and like most students, I'm not yet ready. Not even a little. My class starts at 7:30 AM and I'm still here at home, which means I have to travel around two hours to be at school before class. You see, I haven't found an apartment yet. I'm not even enrolled yet! I guess the best thing that happened to me this week was getting my thesis proposal approved. And maybe slowly starting to get a grip on my chairperson responsibilities whatever. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. This is the first time I proved to myself that high school is way different from college. That college is not just high school with more expensive books, like Serena van der Woodsen once said. And for the first time since that stupid summer, I felt like myself again, alive and strong. But still, those responsibilities are killing me. I never get some me-time! And then there's my thesis. Thank God, I'm halfway done with it. But my thesis adviser's really, really keen in dissecting your paper; he won't stop until you're sweating blood.

I'd like to start telling you about my summer and show you photos of my dragonfly and damselfly collection, but I need a place to stay in until Thursday night. I need to find a place I can settle in until even just the end of the semester. I'm sorry for the shameless ranting, but I bet no one reads this blog anyway. It's just that...I'm not spending the night drinking and celebrating the beginning of the semester like I always do. But things change. And so do people.

PS

See my About Me section over there? It says there GRADUATING, yay! But I don't really want to leave. Not just yet.

Lost

Remember those two things I told you about some posts ago? I didn't want to name those things until I'm sure of them. But since a lot of time has passed and so many things have happened, here you go: 

1. Thesis. Last year in our field trip in Laguna (for an Animal Taxonomy Elective, which btw is Entomology), I realized who my thesis adviser was going to be. He's no other than my Entomology instructor. I talked to him and expressed my intentions in late February this year and he immediately accepted me as his student. Two weeks ago I had lunch with him, together with my co-advisees, and we talked about our plans. It's funny how at that time I felt like my life was falling apart -  no direction, grades hanging loosely on a thread, but when I talked to him, I felt like he was putting me back on track. It's as if all the hard work for my studies and all are finally paying off. He approved of my topic; it's still a rough plan but we're planning to survey the diversity of dragonflies in some place in Sorsogon, Bicol in both wet and dry seasons.

2. Committee Chairperson. I ran for a position in our organization. Honestly, I never imagined myself doing that. But things happened and there I was, presenting my GPOA in the miting de avance. I got the position, which means a busier year ahead for me. On August, we will be celebrating our 60th anniversary and we have big plans. We want a golden age.

So there you have it, thesis and the 60th anniversary. I wanted something to spend my time on. My past years in college consisted of me pulling someone to do this and that with me. It was like everyone was starting on their lives and I was stuck there, asking them to sit with me and waste time. I thought I just couldn't move on, but in fact, I chose to remain unmoved and delayed people from moving on. All along I thought I was doing a good thing saving my time for them but in truth, I was just a selfish person asking for much of their time just because I wanted them to be bored with me. I ended up turning my back on opportunities that would help me move on and grow. It's sad thinking that I wasn't like this when I was in high school. I was stronger and braver back then. I had dreams and I was determined to make them come true. It's sad how a simple lie can give you trauma and suck all the strength and courage within you.

Even with those two things planned for me next school year, I can't help but feel lost. I don't know whether to take summer classes (to lessen my load next year) or not because I'm still waiting for my thesis adviser's go signal. He's supposed to make arrangements for the survey if we intend to gather data for the dry season. March and April are the best months to collect dragonflies. He hasn't informed me yet whether he had arranged everything or not, so I'm stuck here waiting for him.

I'm thinking of my thesis, but I'm not even sure of passing all 17 units this semester. I don't even care about my scholarship anymore. I don't care if I get a 3.00 in all my subjects. Just...let me pass.

I will be taking the NMAT on Sunday, but I'm not yet prepared. Instead of studying, I'm writing this and reading tweets about tips for the NMAT. Honestly, I'm having doubts in going to med school. I was so sure of wanting to be a surgeon until this year. One time last year I told my dad how much I'm enjoying Biology. He asked me if I wanted to be a biologist instead. He told me that either is fine. But I told him that I wanted to be a doctor, it's just interesting what biologists do. But what would people say if they learned I no longer want to be a doctor? That I got afraid of studying for another four or five years? But who the hell cares about what other people think?

And then there's this feeling that I'm starting to love UP. For a long time I have been itching to leave UP and start anew. I hated UP because it gave me lot of painful memories. It reminded me of all the sadness, and anger, and lies, and secrets, and ghosts who still haunt me in my sleep. But right now it feels like all those got buried, except for the ghosts. I have been seeing them in my nightmares for two consecutive nights now. Just when I'm starting to enjoy, everything approaches the end. Next year is my last year as an undergrad in UP (hopefully, or not) and I don't want to leave yet. It was only last week when it has sunk to me that there is NO med school around Diliman. I'm leaving Diliman for sure. It's not that I'm afraid to leave my comfort zone; I just want to live in it a little longer. I'm even thinking of delaying my thesis for one semester, but that won't help if I'm going to med school. What if I take a master's degree? In microbiology, perhaps, or in marine science biology? But refusing to go to med school and pursuing a master's degree instead because I don't want to leave Diliman is not a good reason.

But what I really want to do right now is leave everything behind, escape reality. I try to sleep whenever I feel lonely, but those ghosts I mentioned before, they haunt me. Even sleep can't give me an escape. I just want to lie here on my bed, watch movies or listen to The Script and Coldplay. I didn't even go home today (in Muntinlupa) because I feel so stressed and depressed. I just want to travel far, faraway where no one can find me. And make no decisions. Just let the wind take me.

Too Much School Will Kill You

I just want a break from all these cats, DNA's, and bacteria. They're too much to handle and they're killing me, ever so slowly. Two exams each week, papers and reports on weekends, cat stench on your fingertips, blah blah blah. What's worse is that your hard work doesn't pay off. I don't feel bad that I studied at the Sunken  Garden while watching concerts at the UP Fair because I remembered everything I studied there. I don't feel bad that I partied last Monday night because I still wouldn't study [for my exam this afternoon] if I were at  home anyway.

I can't wait for this semester  to be over. I don't care if all my professors give me a 3.00; I just want to escape everything. Sometimes I secretly wish that the bus I was riding would crash and kill me. But that's a selfish thought because I'm guessing most of the passengers in the bus do not want to die yet. So instead I secretly wished to be hit by a car or a meteor or something while I'm about to cross the street or when I'm walking to my house. Now that would be a good escape. Sick, no? Hey, no judging!

It's not that I want to kill myself. It's more like...I want others to kill me. But seriously, I don't have plans of killing myself. I'm better than that, trust me. I can only go as far as imagining.

And then there's my thesis which I haven't planned out yet. Which reminds me, I have to talk to my adviser tomorrow and I don't have anything to tell him yet. Oh, the NMAT! I almost forgot. It's on March 25. I was expecting it would be later, like April. I planned not to go to a review center and to just buy reviewers and study them on my own. But really, I haven't bought any reviewers yet. Anyway I have this make-up quiz tomorrow because of an exam in which lots of people failed. So I'm going now. Bye-bye. I meant, good night. Someone told me that it's better to bid good night than bid goodbye. There. Good night!