A Glance

“A world could be made in five pages, and one that was more pleasing than a model farm. The childhood of a spoiled prince could be framed within half a page, a moonlit dash through sleepy villages was one rhythmically emphatic sentence, falling in love could be achieved in a single word — a glance. The pages of a recently finished story seemed to vibrate in her hand with all the life they contained.” –Ian McEwan, Atonement

I closed my copy of Ian McEwan’s Atonement to take a sip of chai tea latte. And there it was – a glance. Leaning back against his chair, he lifted his eyes from the tablet he was holding. The man sitting across me looked at my direction and smiled.  I was shocked. I stared at him for what seemed like several minutes before I thought of smiling back. Of course I returned the gesture, but it came too late. It was just a glance. He looked back down at his tablet, his baseball cap concealing half of his face.  I took a sip from my drink, and continued reading my book.

But unlike Briony Tallis, I was not writing a story; I was living my life. I have seen greens and blues and the silver disc that is the moon. I have been excited and elated, and have felt the rain touch my skin as I danced in the puddles outside our house. I have experienced anger and pain and heartbreak, and have caught my ex-lover sleeping with another woman in our apartment. I was in the real world, and falling in love could not be achieved by a gesture as simple as a glance.

I stared at my book and pretended to read, while I allow my deepest thoughts – those thoughts I force myself to overlook – rush into my mind. The breakup. Tipsy nights. Drunken fights and drunken mistakes. Friends fighting. Awkward kisses. Impulsive confessions. Bridges burning. There were even problems about college and family. After just a few seconds, it was already too much. All those thinking had made me feel queasy. I took another sip and thought of my friend who was seated across my seat. It would take more than a glance to fall in love, more than a few dates and gifts, and more than a few silly fights. It would take more and more. Him, finding himself. Him, proving himself. Him, getting over history.

It was a lie that changed Cecilia Tallis and Robbie Turner’s lives forever. A lie which separated the two until their deaths. I put back my cup on the table and took a glance at him. I felt nothing.  No butterflies that flutter by and perch on daffodils in the meadows. No birds chirping in a singsong melody. No fireworks in a dark, evening sky. Nothing. And there I said it – the lie that changed our lives forever.

A Very Different Valentine's Day

This is late, but here goes.

February 14, 2014 was the best Valentine's Day I have had in years. Yes, in years. It was also the most unusual Valentine's Day I have had in years because (1) I did not spend it with a guy - the same guy, and (2) I spent it with my friends.

On the eve of Valentine's Day I was at the UP Fair with my friends. Honestly, it was also the best UP Fair experience I ever had because (1) I was not with that same guy and his brods, and (2) I was not bothered thinking, "Why do you intentionally hurt me by doing things I don't like?" It was a perfect night even after I saw him there. Wearing that frat shirt. With that same girl he left me for. With that same girl who disrespected me. I have to admit I was deeply affected by that because he was with that same girl. I could have let it pass if he were with someone else. And then I realized that maybe it was the way of the universe to tell me, "I know you're already prepared to see this. He might not take it well if you switched situations. The next time you see them, I'm sure you'll do better." Anyway, thank god for my orgmates and my graduate friends for offering me hugs and listening to my rants. And for this guy who listened and tried to understand me.

The morning of Valentine's Day I spent working on this abstract my boss wants us to submit for a conference. Right after I finished writing it, I received a phone call. And this.

I had not bought him a gift yet and I felt so guilty so I left early for lunch and ate out with him.

The day ended with me sitting in a bus to Baguio. I may not have spent the night with him dining in some fancy restaurant, watching a movie, or drinking the night away, but I'm sure that we're both happy. And that this man makes me ridiculously happy and I want him to stay in my life.

Goodbye 2013

Goodbye 2013 and all your drama.

Goodbye 2013 and the whole month I delayed work on my manuscript. But I shall never forget so I may never, or at least avoid doing it again.

Goodbye 2013 and that stupid Valentine's Day I spent the whole night crying because of my manuscript and my then-boyfriend who couldn't be there when I needed him to. But I shall never forget my friends who stayed with me and made the night a little easier to let pass.

Goodbye 2013 and that med school-vs-master's drama. But I shall never forget the first time I made a big decision for myself, regardless of what other people will think of me.

Goodbye 2013 and my undergraduate years. But I shall never forget all the fun, crazy, blurry, drunken nights, the all-nighters, the mini heart attack before checking my grades, the hangovers on morning classes, and the friends who made those four years even better.

Goodbye 2013 and the baby steps to adulthood. But I shall never forget so I may take charge of this new stage better.

Goodbye 2013 and that limbo. But I shall never forget so I may continue making firm decisions and taking opportunities.

Goodbye 2013 and that stupid mistake. But I shall never forget so I may not make it again.

Goodbye 2013 and that heartbreak. But I shall never forget the first time I had my heart broken so I may remember that I am strong. I shall never forget the warm company I received from my family and my friends which was so helpful in getting me back to my feet, which made me realize that I wasn't broken at all.

Goodbye 2013 and those stressful days and drunken nights. But I shall never forget so I may remember to keep stress and alcohol low.

Goodbye 2013 and all those nightmares that happened each time I was awake.  But I shall never forget my housemates who woke me from these nightmares and helped me see how much better I can be. I shall never forget so I may have something to tell my children hahaha

Goodbye 2013 and those wrong moves and words. But I shall never forget so I may be more cautious on my actions and never lead on someone again. I shall never forget the first time I sang with only two of us as soprano. I shall never forget the first time I confessed my feelings for someone - not expecting any reply, but got it anyway. I shall never forget how I sort of believed in Santa Claus again for giving me what I wanted this Christmas. I shall never forget the first time I ran in the beach, felt free, and "saved" jellyfishes. And finally, I shall never forget the first time I felt afraid to fall in love.

Christmas Eve Post

Remember that post where I said I'll write you a story when my heart gets broken? Forget that. He doesn't deserve a story. Remember the post where I said I'll write about the man in white? He wasn't a knight or an angel, after all. He was just a wanderer wearing a white cloak, asking for directions. I hope he reaches his destination soon. He still writes me letters sometimes; he keeps forgetting my advice. I reached the place ahead of him; I hope he arrives soon. This is such a beautiful place.

I would love to tell you how my 2013 went, but I'll save it for the year-end post instead.

It's not the first time our family's incomplete on Christmas Eve, but it's the first time two of my sisters are away. One's in Germany, getting a master's degree. But we're going to call her later and meet her "special friend". I don't know if they're already dating exclusively; I'll ask her later *wink wink* I promised myself I'll only get a boyfriend after she gets one. My other sister is...at "work." But you know what? She's not really at work. I don't understand why she would ditch our noche buena for something else. She doesn't even live here anymore. Doesn't she feel like she should at least grant us her presence?

But anyway, I'm still so, so happy. Even after long stressful hours in the office and so much academic work to do this break, I'm just happy that Santa gave me what I want this Christmas. I'm surprised I'm in his "nice" list, though. Santa's gift is another story. I'll tell you on the next post. For now, have a merry Christmas!

PS

For a Christmas-y feel, here's a picture of our tree with all the gifts I wrapped.