A Very Different Valentine's Day

This is late, but here goes.

February 14, 2014 was the best Valentine's Day I have had in years. Yes, in years. It was also the most unusual Valentine's Day I have had in years because (1) I did not spend it with a guy - the same guy, and (2) I spent it with my friends.

On the eve of Valentine's Day I was at the UP Fair with my friends. Honestly, it was also the best UP Fair experience I ever had because (1) I was not with that same guy and his brods, and (2) I was not bothered thinking, "Why do you intentionally hurt me by doing things I don't like?" It was a perfect night even after I saw him there. Wearing that frat shirt. With that same girl he left me for. With that same girl who disrespected me. I have to admit I was deeply affected by that because he was with that same girl. I could have let it pass if he were with someone else. And then I realized that maybe it was the way of the universe to tell me, "I know you're already prepared to see this. He might not take it well if you switched situations. The next time you see them, I'm sure you'll do better." Anyway, thank god for my orgmates and my graduate friends for offering me hugs and listening to my rants. And for this guy who listened and tried to understand me.

The morning of Valentine's Day I spent working on this abstract my boss wants us to submit for a conference. Right after I finished writing it, I received a phone call. And this.

I had not bought him a gift yet and I felt so guilty so I left early for lunch and ate out with him.

The day ended with me sitting in a bus to Baguio. I may not have spent the night with him dining in some fancy restaurant, watching a movie, or drinking the night away, but I'm sure that we're both happy. And that this man makes me ridiculously happy and I want him to stay in my life.

Goodbye 2013

Goodbye 2013 and all your drama.

Goodbye 2013 and the whole month I delayed work on my manuscript. But I shall never forget so I may never, or at least avoid doing it again.

Goodbye 2013 and that stupid Valentine's Day I spent the whole night crying because of my manuscript and my then-boyfriend who couldn't be there when I needed him to. But I shall never forget my friends who stayed with me and made the night a little easier to let pass.

Goodbye 2013 and that med school-vs-master's drama. But I shall never forget the first time I made a big decision for myself, regardless of what other people will think of me.

Goodbye 2013 and my undergraduate years. But I shall never forget all the fun, crazy, blurry, drunken nights, the all-nighters, the mini heart attack before checking my grades, the hangovers on morning classes, and the friends who made those four years even better.

Goodbye 2013 and the baby steps to adulthood. But I shall never forget so I may take charge of this new stage better.

Goodbye 2013 and that limbo. But I shall never forget so I may continue making firm decisions and taking opportunities.

Goodbye 2013 and that stupid mistake. But I shall never forget so I may not make it again.

Goodbye 2013 and that heartbreak. But I shall never forget the first time I had my heart broken so I may remember that I am strong. I shall never forget the warm company I received from my family and my friends which was so helpful in getting me back to my feet, which made me realize that I wasn't broken at all.

Goodbye 2013 and those stressful days and drunken nights. But I shall never forget so I may remember to keep stress and alcohol low.

Goodbye 2013 and all those nightmares that happened each time I was awake.  But I shall never forget my housemates who woke me from these nightmares and helped me see how much better I can be. I shall never forget so I may have something to tell my children hahaha

Goodbye 2013 and those wrong moves and words. But I shall never forget so I may be more cautious on my actions and never lead on someone again. I shall never forget the first time I sang with only two of us as soprano. I shall never forget the first time I confessed my feelings for someone - not expecting any reply, but got it anyway. I shall never forget how I sort of believed in Santa Claus again for giving me what I wanted this Christmas. I shall never forget the first time I ran in the beach, felt free, and "saved" jellyfishes. And finally, I shall never forget the first time I felt afraid to fall in love.

Christmas Eve Post

Remember that post where I said I'll write you a story when my heart gets broken? Forget that. He doesn't deserve a story. Remember the post where I said I'll write about the man in white? He wasn't a knight or an angel, after all. He was just a wanderer wearing a white cloak, asking for directions. I hope he reaches his destination soon. He still writes me letters sometimes; he keeps forgetting my advice. I reached the place ahead of him; I hope he arrives soon. This is such a beautiful place.

I would love to tell you how my 2013 went, but I'll save it for the year-end post instead.

It's not the first time our family's incomplete on Christmas Eve, but it's the first time two of my sisters are away. One's in Germany, getting a master's degree. But we're going to call her later and meet her "special friend". I don't know if they're already dating exclusively; I'll ask her later *wink wink* I promised myself I'll only get a boyfriend after she gets one. My other sister is...at "work." But you know what? She's not really at work. I don't understand why she would ditch our noche buena for something else. She doesn't even live here anymore. Doesn't she feel like she should at least grant us her presence?

But anyway, I'm still so, so happy. Even after long stressful hours in the office and so much academic work to do this break, I'm just happy that Santa gave me what I want this Christmas. I'm surprised I'm in his "nice" list, though. Santa's gift is another story. I'll tell you on the next post. For now, have a merry Christmas!

PS

For a Christmas-y feel, here's a picture of our tree with all the gifts I wrapped.

Mid-term Updates

I know I promised telling you about my "new life" once I'm stable, so here goes.

I'm now working as a a full-time research associate in our Institute, yay! I'm a part-time graduate student. Anyway, the research is about Salmonella but we're not starting it yet for some reasons so I'm working on some protozoa for the meantime. Also, I have to think of a thesis topic related to the project so I can work on it while doing the project. I'll think about it on the weekend.

I also moved into a new house, with some old friends. Moving in was, um, okay. Staying is a little difficult, for some reasons I do not wish to disclose here.

I also started reading "A Song of Ice and Fire"! I found a nice quote right here from "A Storm of Swords":

“Sometimes,” Catelyn said slowly, “the best thing you can do is nothing. When I first came to Winterfell, I was hurt whenever Ned went to the godswood to sit beneath his heart tree. Part of his soul was in that tree, I knew, a part I would never share. Yet without that part, I soon realized, he would not have been Ned. Jeyne, child, you have wed the north, as I did … and in the north, the winters will come.” She tried to smile. “Be patient. Be understanding. He loves you and he needs you, and he will come back to you soon enough. This very night, perhaps. Be there when he does. That is all I can tell you.”

The thing is, he isn't Ned. And I'm not Catelyn. We're not married. And we are not in the beautiful world of Westeros. There are a lot of things going on in my mind about this - moving forward, dragging back, selfishness, selflessness, understanding, patience, hope, future. But I try to keep my mind occupied with more important things like graduate school, work, family and business, and travel. I don't want to waste my time thinking about stupid feelings that only I can feel, or thoughts that only I think of. The best part is I'm starting to care less - which is what I've been trying to do for so long to keep peace.

This post is unworthy, I know and I apologize. I'll try to write you a story some other time, if I get my heart broken again. This heart just won't break lately so nothing's become an inspiration. Oh wait, I have this story...about a man in white. I can't remember whether he was a knight, or just a warrior, or an angel or something. But I will write about him. Soon.

Ssh...

Give all my secrets away.

A part of me wishes that I don't get in that school. I remember last Sunday when my dad asked me, "Ano'ng gagawin mo 'pag di ka pumasa sa [insert school here]?" I answered, "Ayaw kong mag-aral sa hindi [school 1] or [school 2]." Maybe it was the alcohol, I don't know, but it was the most honest answer I gave my dad since I can't remember when. I added that I will get a job, in a pharmaceutical company or a mining company, and retake the NMAT on December and retry my applications. What my dad said after was the most encouraging words I heard from him whenever I consider taking a different career. He told me that the company he works for is hiring biologists, although that job is only available abroad. At that moment, I thought he was considering it - that I can opt not to go to med school. I should have told him that I would love to get a master's degree in Microbiology instead. Because right now, that's what I want.

If I stay in UP, I will have a higher chance of getting an opportunity to get a PhD abroad. My thoughts about getting a PhD are still unsure, but I have already laid out my plans after graduation if ever my dad allows me to drop medicine. I will enroll in the MS Microbiology program right after graduation and teach part-time. After around two years, I can get a PhD or enter the industry. I promise I won't get stuck in the academe - it's the only thing I fear in getting a master's degree. If my dad won't allow me to study right after graduation, I will get a job, and then get a master's degree.

I actually made a list of the pros and cons of medicine and biology. What I discovered is that studying medicine will grant me five years of housing, food, clothing, gas, and everything paid for my parents, and that when I turn 30, it's the only time I will actually experience being an adult. Studying microbiology, on the other hand, will take all those housing, food, clothing, gas, and etc. allowance from me, but it will give me independence and happiness. There was this time when I gave our dog antibiotics and I felt...happy and warm. It's as if I would be happier giving our dog her medications than giving a human patient his. My dad also noticed that - that I take care of our dogs very well. He even said that maybe I should take veterinary medicine instead. Is that a sign?

Now I have to find a way to tell my dad about this decision soon so I can inform the Institute that I want to join the Microbiology group. And that I will accept teaching load.

I may have some mild depression. I have been down for around three weeks now - breaking down and sleeping a lot. I have lost a lot of weight - I know because my pants have become loose. I was actually considering telling my dad about this to ask him to get me a psychologist. What's worse is that I may have become alcohol-dependent - drinking just so the problems will go away and I can laugh my heart out.  But there's no need to worry, I did not initiate any drinking session this week because I am trying to cure myself. If I find myself sulking and crying again next week, I swear I'll tell my dad about this.

Here's another secret. Well, it's not actually a secret, but it will remain so until he notices. As difficult and painful as it is, I am setting him free. I only hope that I can get a little credit, a tap on the back and a heartfelt thanks. Just so I'll know it was worth it. Because right now I don't really know where to stand.

The Irony of Life

When you looked at the bright side of everything,
When you found time for family, friends, and work,
When you loved and expected nothing,
When you shared that smile to a stranger,
When you inspired the uninspired,
When you hoped for the hopeless.


When you finished something long before it's due,
When you finished something right before it's due,
When you believed in the doubtful.


When you let go for love,
When you let your heart break in exchange for his happiness,
When you needed him but you let him go,
When you silenced your protests,
When you cried but showed laughter,
When you did everything you could,
When you gave everything you had,
When you felt the most painful,
When you swallowed all your pride.

And that one person you did all those for took no notice.

Bring the hell weeks on

Today is officially the first day of my [hopefully] last semester as an undergraduate. And tonight is a lazy night where there are no reports to be written, scientific papers to be read, lectures to be studied, data to be processed, and events to be planned. Tonight is also an unfortunate night because I am sick when I haven't even been stressed yet. Now I am trying to get to sleep because I don't want to be late tomorrow and I'm saving all my free cuts for next year, preferably on February and March. The funny thing is I can't sleep because I'm not tired. And now I suddenly missed those stressful weeks when a minute is too precious to waste - when my mind is concentrated on nothing but school and it doesn't go pondering on other things that won't do me good.

Tonight my mind is pondering on those things which won't do me good. I can't wait for reports, scientific papers, books, my thesis, and event plans to pile on my bed while I sort them out and find which one needs to be attended immediately. Not getting enough sleep because of work is so much better than not getting enough sleep because of some shallow feelings. I can't wait for work to take my mind off unwanted feelings. I know it's temporary, but that's what works. I used to think that one should sort and/or fix his baggage so he could forget. But then I can't forget because I don't find it forgettable nor forgivable. I'll fix my own stuff in time. Until then, I'll work hard and serve selflessly.

Because that's what it takes to keep the story unfolding.

Hiccups

My acads are piling along with my thesis and I don't know how to stop them or to reduce the pile. What I know is I got hiccups after some beer. This is my first time to try to stay awake, write, and resist the oh-so inviting bed. What I know is I found myself in Sarah's comfort after finding myself scrolling down the endless news in Twitter - the kind of news I'd rather not mention. The only hint I can give you is I hate it, I don't want to talk about it, and it reduces much of my humanity ignoring it. Because I don't like the idea, therefore, I should not be involved with it or anything involved in it. But current events tick me, as if I must give a damn, show my cares, and I don't know, express my opinion? But no, I'd rather not. It will certainly result in the clash of ideas and I don't want it. Maybe I can still get through this without caring much about stuff. But omg I just want to return to my old self who values my principles so much

Three More Months

First wave of exams is over so I'm using this exam-free week to catch up with my thesis and, hopefully, maybe meet the deadlines I set for myself.

Let me tell you how I prepared myself for thesis week right after exam week. I watched Ice Age 4 and The Amazing Spiderman. I stress-ate at Burger King and I got bangs. I've been itching to have my hair cut short again, but hey, this is the longest hair I have had since I graduated from high school. For reasons I unconsciously make, I have never grown my hair long since 2009. And there's this creative shot we have to make for graduation photos and my friends want my hair long when the shot is taken.

I bought this oh-so precise ruler for my thesis. Measuring my specimens is difficult, but I'm enjoying using my new ruler. I should have bought calipers  for convenience, but it might damage my hard-earned specimens.

The reason I'm writing despite my busy schedule is that I miss you, Blogspot. I've been meaning to write fiction to satisfy these feelings stirring inside me but with everything going around, I can't seem to find time. And I'm sorta lacking inspiration. Maybe I'll write one some time this week.

I just want this term to end. For several reasons...

I feel like I'm the personification of stress right now.

The first month is over. And there are still four months left before the semester ends. I'm so tired that I feel like the semester is almost over. I'm not even half-way there! Every day is a busy day, seriously. I don't even have time to bring my clothes to laundry service. I go home late and I go to school early. My body feels so used. And I have this problem in coping with stress, it started just this month. I'm trying so hard to break the habit. Maybe I should switch to ice cream instead.

Thesis. My adviser is asking too much from my thesis. I don't even know where to start. And I have three unidentified specimens. I hope they're new species :>

Org stuff. 'Nuff said.

Cell biology, animal physiology, plant systematics. They're killing me. I can't wait to graduate and leave for med school. I want a fresh start. A reset. No history.

I'm thinking of getting a planner because I have so many deadlines to beat. Every week I have at least two things to submit or accomplish. But I scrapped that idea of getting myself a planner because (1) so far, I have never missed a deadline and (2) I don't want my life planned. I mean, I have plans - go to med school, travel around the world, have Siberian huskies. It's just that I feel my whole life has been planned since I was little and all I get to decide are minor ones like which courses to take this semester, what to wear today, who to be friends with. With a planner, I'll feel even more pressured. I just need a little spontaneity, that's all.

You know what, it's funny I still have time to think about other things with all those deadlines in my head. I still get the chance to stop and spare a thought for you. Maybe I'll just study more and get better than average grades. Or maybe jog around the campus to lose all the weight I accumulated from stress-eating/drinking. Maybe write a story or learn a new song in the piano. I don't know. Anything to fill those gaps in my clock. Because lately I have been longing to find someone to talk/rant to after each stressful day. Oh wait. There's Frank.

Sem-Starter Post

I should be telling you how exciting (and equally tiring) my summer was - chasing dragonflies and damselflies, climbing mountains, and swimming in the beach, but let me tell you tell you how I feel right now first.

School starts tomorrow and like most students, I'm not yet ready. Not even a little. My class starts at 7:30 AM and I'm still here at home, which means I have to travel around two hours to be at school before class. You see, I haven't found an apartment yet. I'm not even enrolled yet! I guess the best thing that happened to me this week was getting my thesis proposal approved. And maybe slowly starting to get a grip on my chairperson responsibilities whatever. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. This is the first time I proved to myself that high school is way different from college. That college is not just high school with more expensive books, like Serena van der Woodsen once said. And for the first time since that stupid summer, I felt like myself again, alive and strong. But still, those responsibilities are killing me. I never get some me-time! And then there's my thesis. Thank God, I'm halfway done with it. But my thesis adviser's really, really keen in dissecting your paper; he won't stop until you're sweating blood.

I'd like to start telling you about my summer and show you photos of my dragonfly and damselfly collection, but I need a place to stay in until Thursday night. I need to find a place I can settle in until even just the end of the semester. I'm sorry for the shameless ranting, but I bet no one reads this blog anyway. It's just that...I'm not spending the night drinking and celebrating the beginning of the semester like I always do. But things change. And so do people.

PS

See my About Me section over there? It says there GRADUATING, yay! But I don't really want to leave. Not just yet.