Mid-term Updates

I know I promised telling you about my "new life" once I'm stable, so here goes.

I'm now working as a a full-time research associate in our Institute, yay! I'm a part-time graduate student. Anyway, the research is about Salmonella but we're not starting it yet for some reasons so I'm working on some protozoa for the meantime. Also, I have to think of a thesis topic related to the project so I can work on it while doing the project. I'll think about it on the weekend.

I also moved into a new house, with some old friends. Moving in was, um, okay. Staying is a little difficult, for some reasons I do not wish to disclose here.

I also started reading "A Song of Ice and Fire"! I found a nice quote right here from "A Storm of Swords":

“Sometimes,” Catelyn said slowly, “the best thing you can do is nothing. When I first came to Winterfell, I was hurt whenever Ned went to the godswood to sit beneath his heart tree. Part of his soul was in that tree, I knew, a part I would never share. Yet without that part, I soon realized, he would not have been Ned. Jeyne, child, you have wed the north, as I did … and in the north, the winters will come.” She tried to smile. “Be patient. Be understanding. He loves you and he needs you, and he will come back to you soon enough. This very night, perhaps. Be there when he does. That is all I can tell you.”

The thing is, he isn't Ned. And I'm not Catelyn. We're not married. And we are not in the beautiful world of Westeros. There are a lot of things going on in my mind about this - moving forward, dragging back, selfishness, selflessness, understanding, patience, hope, future. But I try to keep my mind occupied with more important things like graduate school, work, family and business, and travel. I don't want to waste my time thinking about stupid feelings that only I can feel, or thoughts that only I think of. The best part is I'm starting to care less - which is what I've been trying to do for so long to keep peace.

This post is unworthy, I know and I apologize. I'll try to write you a story some other time, if I get my heart broken again. This heart just won't break lately so nothing's become an inspiration. Oh wait, I have this story...about a man in white. I can't remember whether he was a knight, or just a warrior, or an angel or something. But I will write about him. Soon.

Here Comes Adulthood

Let me give you a recap of my life since my last blog post.

I told my dad I didn't want to go to med school, and that I want to go to grad school instead. He gave his permission.

I graduated last April and had dinner with my family and my boyfriend.

I got accepted into the MS Microbiology program of the Institute of Biology, University of the Philippines, Diliman. Now I'm on my first year.

I didn't get the scholarship program I applied for because I had 9 units of (read: too much) undergraduate courses to take.

I'm applying for this position in the University which I will talk more about if I get accepted.

In this new phase of my life, my energy is being drained by adult requirements instead of school. I applied twice for an NBI clearance for different purposes. I applied for the Civil Service Exam. I got a cedula. I got a barangay clearance and a barangay ID, my first government-issued ID. Not a registered voter yet, nor a licensed driver. I still have to work on those two. My next project is my TIN. I still have a long list of adult requirements to get, but I think I'll take a break after the TIN.

Adulthood isn't too welcoming, but I'm easily coping. I've queued longer and went back and forth to buildings in UP more, so  getting government ID's and other requirements did not surprise me.

I'd love to talk more about grad school, but maybe I'll wait a little bit longer until I'm stable. Meanwhile, please wish me luck on my job application.

PS

See my new tags grad school and adulthood? And read my About Me section, I tweaked it a little. Teehee.

Ssh...

Give all my secrets away.

A part of me wishes that I don't get in that school. I remember last Sunday when my dad asked me, "Ano'ng gagawin mo 'pag di ka pumasa sa [insert school here]?" I answered, "Ayaw kong mag-aral sa hindi [school 1] or [school 2]." Maybe it was the alcohol, I don't know, but it was the most honest answer I gave my dad since I can't remember when. I added that I will get a job, in a pharmaceutical company or a mining company, and retake the NMAT on December and retry my applications. What my dad said after was the most encouraging words I heard from him whenever I consider taking a different career. He told me that the company he works for is hiring biologists, although that job is only available abroad. At that moment, I thought he was considering it - that I can opt not to go to med school. I should have told him that I would love to get a master's degree in Microbiology instead. Because right now, that's what I want.

If I stay in UP, I will have a higher chance of getting an opportunity to get a PhD abroad. My thoughts about getting a PhD are still unsure, but I have already laid out my plans after graduation if ever my dad allows me to drop medicine. I will enroll in the MS Microbiology program right after graduation and teach part-time. After around two years, I can get a PhD or enter the industry. I promise I won't get stuck in the academe - it's the only thing I fear in getting a master's degree. If my dad won't allow me to study right after graduation, I will get a job, and then get a master's degree.

I actually made a list of the pros and cons of medicine and biology. What I discovered is that studying medicine will grant me five years of housing, food, clothing, gas, and everything paid for my parents, and that when I turn 30, it's the only time I will actually experience being an adult. Studying microbiology, on the other hand, will take all those housing, food, clothing, gas, and etc. allowance from me, but it will give me independence and happiness. There was this time when I gave our dog antibiotics and I felt...happy and warm. It's as if I would be happier giving our dog her medications than giving a human patient his. My dad also noticed that - that I take care of our dogs very well. He even said that maybe I should take veterinary medicine instead. Is that a sign?

Now I have to find a way to tell my dad about this decision soon so I can inform the Institute that I want to join the Microbiology group. And that I will accept teaching load.

I may have some mild depression. I have been down for around three weeks now - breaking down and sleeping a lot. I have lost a lot of weight - I know because my pants have become loose. I was actually considering telling my dad about this to ask him to get me a psychologist. What's worse is that I may have become alcohol-dependent - drinking just so the problems will go away and I can laugh my heart out.  But there's no need to worry, I did not initiate any drinking session this week because I am trying to cure myself. If I find myself sulking and crying again next week, I swear I'll tell my dad about this.

Here's another secret. Well, it's not actually a secret, but it will remain so until he notices. As difficult and painful as it is, I am setting him free. I only hope that I can get a little credit, a tap on the back and a heartfelt thanks. Just so I'll know it was worth it. Because right now I don't really know where to stand.

The Irony of Life

When you looked at the bright side of everything,
When you found time for family, friends, and work,
When you loved and expected nothing,
When you shared that smile to a stranger,
When you inspired the uninspired,
When you hoped for the hopeless.


When you finished something long before it's due,
When you finished something right before it's due,
When you believed in the doubtful.


When you let go for love,
When you let your heart break in exchange for his happiness,
When you needed him but you let him go,
When you silenced your protests,
When you cried but showed laughter,
When you did everything you could,
When you gave everything you had,
When you felt the most painful,
When you swallowed all your pride.

And that one person you did all those for took no notice.

Something New, Something Different

My sister gave me a planner, so I'm obliged to use it. I am also obliged to plan my life daily for the whole year. I normally don't use a planner because I trust my memory, but hey, it's worth a try. Maybe it could help de-clutter my life - what with thesis, org, and med.

What if...I try something new and/or different each month?

Obligatory End of Year Post

Here are some photos from my camera and a few from my friends'. Some of these you may have already seen here in my blog. Click a photo to enlarge. Happy viewing!

These are taken sometime January to March. New Year's Eve in Makati with relatives from Mom's side. Outreach program in an orphanage. Dinner with an old elementary classmate. And a friend's birthday in Ortigas.

Now I have a lot of summer photos.

Thai dinner with my sister. And Holy Week at Bangkong Kahoy.

I spent part of my summer in Sorsogon catching dragonflies and damselflies for my thesis. My field work ended with Dad picking me up in Legazpi and taking me to Tiwi where, after a long time, I had a taste of the famous DJC halo-halo again. It's the only halo-halo I enjoy eating. Some pictures here are from Laiya, where we spent a night. Unfortunately, I only have pictures of the shore because I was writing a paper.

We also spent a night at the Camayan Beach Resort in Subic with my aunt from New York and the rest of Mom's family. Of course we didn't forget to visit Zoobic Safari and see crocodiles, ostriches, camels, snakes, and tigers.

The last wave of summer I spent with my high school friends, this time in Sariaya, Quezon.

First week of classes, yay! This was also the first time I tried the BonChon Chicken in Katipunan. The other half of the collage is a celebration of my sister and Dad's birthdays, and Father's Day.

This summarizes my academic load during the first semester: animal physiology, cell biology, ecology, and plant morphology and anatomy. No picture of me working on my thesis, though. Hmm.

Parties! Plus ecology field work in Atimonan, Quezon.

And more parties! Sometime August the UP Zoological Society celebrated its 60th Anniversary. We also bade farewell to our animal physiology lab instructor.

September is the birthday of many. One of my sisters and I celebrate our birthdays in September. That guy over there is also a September baby. I got lots of surprises: from my male high school friends, my ka-bio, and my family. I had Mediterranean lunch with the latter.

My sister's birthday present for me is a ticket to the Phantom of the Opera. My aunt bought us dinner after - as a birthday present for us.

The first semester didn't end easy, but I'll skip on that. Here's a collage with my favorite girls (and Frank) during our graduation pictorial.

Second semester, yay! We won first runner-up in the annual College of Science Carolfest. Our contest piece was "Paskong Anong Saya", which ironically is one particular Christmas song I hate. Those on your right are from our Christmas party. Yep, I had my hair cut.

Can I afford to miss my last Pailaw and Lantern Parade in Diliman as an undergraduate? 

And then there's Holly, as in deck the halls with boughs of holly. She's a 2 month-old Labrador retriever. And as usual, we spent Christmas day visiting different extensions of our family.

Cheers!

Bring the hell weeks on

Today is officially the first day of my [hopefully] last semester as an undergraduate. And tonight is a lazy night where there are no reports to be written, scientific papers to be read, lectures to be studied, data to be processed, and events to be planned. Tonight is also an unfortunate night because I am sick when I haven't even been stressed yet. Now I am trying to get to sleep because I don't want to be late tomorrow and I'm saving all my free cuts for next year, preferably on February and March. The funny thing is I can't sleep because I'm not tired. And now I suddenly missed those stressful weeks when a minute is too precious to waste - when my mind is concentrated on nothing but school and it doesn't go pondering on other things that won't do me good.

Tonight my mind is pondering on those things which won't do me good. I can't wait for reports, scientific papers, books, my thesis, and event plans to pile on my bed while I sort them out and find which one needs to be attended immediately. Not getting enough sleep because of work is so much better than not getting enough sleep because of some shallow feelings. I can't wait for work to take my mind off unwanted feelings. I know it's temporary, but that's what works. I used to think that one should sort and/or fix his baggage so he could forget. But then I can't forget because I don't find it forgettable nor forgivable. I'll fix my own stuff in time. Until then, I'll work hard and serve selflessly.

Because that's what it takes to keep the story unfolding.