A Glance

“A world could be made in five pages, and one that was more pleasing than a model farm. The childhood of a spoiled prince could be framed within half a page, a moonlit dash through sleepy villages was one rhythmically emphatic sentence, falling in love could be achieved in a single word — a glance. The pages of a recently finished story seemed to vibrate in her hand with all the life they contained.” –Ian McEwan, Atonement

I closed my copy of Ian McEwan’s Atonement to take a sip of chai tea latte. And there it was – a glance. Leaning back against his chair, he lifted his eyes from the tablet he was holding. The man sitting across me looked at my direction and smiled.  I was shocked. I stared at him for what seemed like several minutes before I thought of smiling back. Of course I returned the gesture, but it came too late. It was just a glance. He looked back down at his tablet, his baseball cap concealing half of his face.  I took a sip from my drink, and continued reading my book.

But unlike Briony Tallis, I was not writing a story; I was living my life. I have seen greens and blues and the silver disc that is the moon. I have been excited and elated, and have felt the rain touch my skin as I danced in the puddles outside our house. I have experienced anger and pain and heartbreak, and have caught my ex-lover sleeping with another woman in our apartment. I was in the real world, and falling in love could not be achieved by a gesture as simple as a glance.

I stared at my book and pretended to read, while I allow my deepest thoughts – those thoughts I force myself to overlook – rush into my mind. The breakup. Tipsy nights. Drunken fights and drunken mistakes. Friends fighting. Awkward kisses. Impulsive confessions. Bridges burning. There were even problems about college and family. After just a few seconds, it was already too much. All those thinking had made me feel queasy. I took another sip and thought of my friend who was seated across my seat. It would take more than a glance to fall in love, more than a few dates and gifts, and more than a few silly fights. It would take more and more. Him, finding himself. Him, proving himself. Him, getting over history.

It was a lie that changed Cecilia Tallis and Robbie Turner’s lives forever. A lie which separated the two until their deaths. I put back my cup on the table and took a glance at him. I felt nothing.  No butterflies that flutter by and perch on daffodils in the meadows. No birds chirping in a singsong melody. No fireworks in a dark, evening sky. Nothing. And there I said it – the lie that changed our lives forever.

A Valentine Trip

In my previous post I said that I was on my way to Baguio. I traveled to Sagada with three of my friends. It was a 12-hour travel, 6 hours from Cubao to Baguio City, and another 6 from Baguio City to Sagada. We caught the first trip to Sagada which is at 6 AM. We made a new friend during the bus ride from Baguio to Sagada. She's from Canada and she's traveling alone, so we invited her to join us. And then our adventure began.

Day 1: Cave Connection

After our 12-hour bus ride, we immediately checked into our accommodation, grabbed lunch, and went straight to Lumiang Cave, a burial cave. We had to slither our way in and out of narrow passages and feel our way around the cave. We had only gas lamp, the one that the tour guides brought. We didn't have any flashlights so it was really hard to be the last person in the group. The second and the last cave was Sumaguing Cave. Its highlights were the beautiful stalactites and stalagmites. Most of the time we would have to walk across pools of water - it was freezing! So after sliding down rocks, crawling into deep passages, soaking our feet in freezing water, climbing up and down ropes, we finally got out. We finished the activity within 3 hours - we thought we would never get out before sunset! My knees got really wobbly during the second half of the tour so I had to crouch. We were almost convinced that we would leave the cave as quadrupeds.

Clockwise from top left: Quick lunch before our cave connection tour; Pau, Cyndi, and Ell at the mouth of Lumiang Cave; view from the viewing deck before the start of cave connection; stacks of coffins in Lumiang Cave.

Clockwise from top left: Mini Banaue Rice Terraces; King's Curtain at Sumaguing Cave; pool of freezing water; Pau, Moran, and Ell waiting to slide down; Pau and Ell celebrating our completion of the cave connection tour.

For dinner we stuffed ourselves with lemon pies and chicken adobo from the Sagada Lemon Pie House. I know adobo is made in different variations, but theirs was the most unusual I have ever tasted - it tastes like menudo. Their mountain tea was nice too. The rest of the night we spent drinking cherry wine by the fireplace, exchanging stories and learning about our new friend's culture.

Clockwise from top left: Sagada Lemon Pie House; dinner at the same restaurant; my chicken adobo; the fireplace in our common room; Ell, Moran, and Pau drinking wine by the fireplace.

Day 2: The Church of St. Mary the Virgin, Echo Valley, and Hanging Coffins

Getting up in the morning was a struggle mainly because it was very cold and our muscles were aching. We broke our fast at Sagada Brew - it was the best breakfast I have had since I can't remember. We walked around the neighborhood until we got to the Church of St. Mary the Virgin. It was a Sunday so a mass was being held. Further walking led us to the local cemetery where we met kids who volunteered to take us to the hanging coffins. We walked along Echo Valley where, you guessed it, everything you shout, the mountains would shout back to you. We still wanted to see the underground river, but we had to catch the last trip to Baguio City which is at 1 PM.

Clockwise from top left: Moran's gift to us; Purdy's chocolates from Moran; my breakfast - tuna omelet, toast with butter and strawberries, salad, and a nice cup of hot mint chocolate with marshmallows; Ell and Pau enjoying their breakfast at Sagada Brew.

Basically our walk around the neighborhood. Clockwise from top left: Cyndi in one of the souvenir shops; a view of the houses in Sagada; your usual Sunday morning in Sagada - baseball; blueberries.

Clockwise from top left: Ancient bell at the Church of St. Mary the Virgin; Sunday morning mass - also the first time I entered the church this year; a view of the altar; Ell successfully climbed a tree at the back of the church.

Clockwise from top left: Pau walking around the local cemetery; hanging coffins; UP Diliman alumnae we met at the cemetery; Cyndi on her way down Echo Valley.

A closer view of the hanging coffins and the chairs in which they were fixed into fetal position - they believe in rebirth in the afterlife. Other natives today no longer rest in that position; thus, the longer coffins.

We reached the bus terminal just in time - we got the last nice seats left. It was still a quarter to 1, so we begged the driver to wait for us while we buy pasalubong. I bought coffee for my dad, and blueberry jam and blueberry wine for that guy I left on Valentine's Day. I also bought him a postcard as a Valentine card because I'm a hipster because I wasn't able to buy him a Valentine card.

Day 2: Pizza Volante

After enjoying the breathtaking views of mountains from the bus, we finally arrived in Baguio City. We had not eaten lunch yet, so we had a very delightful dinner instead at Pizza Volante. Hours flew by fast and we finally found ourselves sitting in a bus back to Cubao. I looked out the window and watched as we drove past houses and other vehicles as I always do when I ride buses, thinking how the weekend passed that fast and that I would be going back to work the next morning. Getting off at Cubao was like waking up from a wonderful dream you never wanted to be over, not just yet. I'm certainly doing this again - traveling with friends. But in the meantime, I would have to finish my master's degree first.

A Very Different Valentine's Day

This is late, but here goes.

February 14, 2014 was the best Valentine's Day I have had in years. Yes, in years. It was also the most unusual Valentine's Day I have had in years because (1) I did not spend it with a guy - the same guy, and (2) I spent it with my friends.

On the eve of Valentine's Day I was at the UP Fair with my friends. Honestly, it was also the best UP Fair experience I ever had because (1) I was not with that same guy and his brods, and (2) I was not bothered thinking, "Why do you intentionally hurt me by doing things I don't like?" It was a perfect night even after I saw him there. Wearing that frat shirt. With that same girl he left me for. With that same girl who disrespected me. I have to admit I was deeply affected by that because he was with that same girl. I could have let it pass if he were with someone else. And then I realized that maybe it was the way of the universe to tell me, "I know you're already prepared to see this. He might not take it well if you switched situations. The next time you see them, I'm sure you'll do better." Anyway, thank god for my orgmates and my graduate friends for offering me hugs and listening to my rants. And for this guy who listened and tried to understand me.

The morning of Valentine's Day I spent working on this abstract my boss wants us to submit for a conference. Right after I finished writing it, I received a phone call. And this.

I had not bought him a gift yet and I felt so guilty so I left early for lunch and ate out with him.

The day ended with me sitting in a bus to Baguio. I may not have spent the night with him dining in some fancy restaurant, watching a movie, or drinking the night away, but I'm sure that we're both happy. And that this man makes me ridiculously happy and I want him to stay in my life.

Goodbye 2013

Goodbye 2013 and all your drama.

Goodbye 2013 and the whole month I delayed work on my manuscript. But I shall never forget so I may never, or at least avoid doing it again.

Goodbye 2013 and that stupid Valentine's Day I spent the whole night crying because of my manuscript and my then-boyfriend who couldn't be there when I needed him to. But I shall never forget my friends who stayed with me and made the night a little easier to let pass.

Goodbye 2013 and that med school-vs-master's drama. But I shall never forget the first time I made a big decision for myself, regardless of what other people will think of me.

Goodbye 2013 and my undergraduate years. But I shall never forget all the fun, crazy, blurry, drunken nights, the all-nighters, the mini heart attack before checking my grades, the hangovers on morning classes, and the friends who made those four years even better.

Goodbye 2013 and the baby steps to adulthood. But I shall never forget so I may take charge of this new stage better.

Goodbye 2013 and that limbo. But I shall never forget so I may continue making firm decisions and taking opportunities.

Goodbye 2013 and that stupid mistake. But I shall never forget so I may not make it again.

Goodbye 2013 and that heartbreak. But I shall never forget the first time I had my heart broken so I may remember that I am strong. I shall never forget the warm company I received from my family and my friends which was so helpful in getting me back to my feet, which made me realize that I wasn't broken at all.

Goodbye 2013 and those stressful days and drunken nights. But I shall never forget so I may remember to keep stress and alcohol low.

Goodbye 2013 and all those nightmares that happened each time I was awake.  But I shall never forget my housemates who woke me from these nightmares and helped me see how much better I can be. I shall never forget so I may have something to tell my children hahaha

Goodbye 2013 and those wrong moves and words. But I shall never forget so I may be more cautious on my actions and never lead on someone again. I shall never forget the first time I sang with only two of us as soprano. I shall never forget the first time I confessed my feelings for someone - not expecting any reply, but got it anyway. I shall never forget how I sort of believed in Santa Claus again for giving me what I wanted this Christmas. I shall never forget the first time I ran in the beach, felt free, and "saved" jellyfishes. And finally, I shall never forget the first time I felt afraid to fall in love.

Christmas Eve Post

Remember that post where I said I'll write you a story when my heart gets broken? Forget that. He doesn't deserve a story. Remember the post where I said I'll write about the man in white? He wasn't a knight or an angel, after all. He was just a wanderer wearing a white cloak, asking for directions. I hope he reaches his destination soon. He still writes me letters sometimes; he keeps forgetting my advice. I reached the place ahead of him; I hope he arrives soon. This is such a beautiful place.

I would love to tell you how my 2013 went, but I'll save it for the year-end post instead.

It's not the first time our family's incomplete on Christmas Eve, but it's the first time two of my sisters are away. One's in Germany, getting a master's degree. But we're going to call her later and meet her "special friend". I don't know if they're already dating exclusively; I'll ask her later *wink wink* I promised myself I'll only get a boyfriend after she gets one. My other sister is...at "work." But you know what? She's not really at work. I don't understand why she would ditch our noche buena for something else. She doesn't even live here anymore. Doesn't she feel like she should at least grant us her presence?

But anyway, I'm still so, so happy. Even after long stressful hours in the office and so much academic work to do this break, I'm just happy that Santa gave me what I want this Christmas. I'm surprised I'm in his "nice" list, though. Santa's gift is another story. I'll tell you on the next post. For now, have a merry Christmas!

PS

For a Christmas-y feel, here's a picture of our tree with all the gifts I wrapped.

Mid-term Updates

I know I promised telling you about my "new life" once I'm stable, so here goes.

I'm now working as a a full-time research associate in our Institute, yay! I'm a part-time graduate student. Anyway, the research is about Salmonella but we're not starting it yet for some reasons so I'm working on some protozoa for the meantime. Also, I have to think of a thesis topic related to the project so I can work on it while doing the project. I'll think about it on the weekend.

I also moved into a new house, with some old friends. Moving in was, um, okay. Staying is a little difficult, for some reasons I do not wish to disclose here.

I also started reading "A Song of Ice and Fire"! I found a nice quote right here from "A Storm of Swords":

“Sometimes,” Catelyn said slowly, “the best thing you can do is nothing. When I first came to Winterfell, I was hurt whenever Ned went to the godswood to sit beneath his heart tree. Part of his soul was in that tree, I knew, a part I would never share. Yet without that part, I soon realized, he would not have been Ned. Jeyne, child, you have wed the north, as I did … and in the north, the winters will come.” She tried to smile. “Be patient. Be understanding. He loves you and he needs you, and he will come back to you soon enough. This very night, perhaps. Be there when he does. That is all I can tell you.”

The thing is, he isn't Ned. And I'm not Catelyn. We're not married. And we are not in the beautiful world of Westeros. There are a lot of things going on in my mind about this - moving forward, dragging back, selfishness, selflessness, understanding, patience, hope, future. But I try to keep my mind occupied with more important things like graduate school, work, family and business, and travel. I don't want to waste my time thinking about stupid feelings that only I can feel, or thoughts that only I think of. The best part is I'm starting to care less - which is what I've been trying to do for so long to keep peace.

This post is unworthy, I know and I apologize. I'll try to write you a story some other time, if I get my heart broken again. This heart just won't break lately so nothing's become an inspiration. Oh wait, I have this story...about a man in white. I can't remember whether he was a knight, or just a warrior, or an angel or something. But I will write about him. Soon.

Here Comes Adulthood

Let me give you a recap of my life since my last blog post.

I told my dad I didn't want to go to med school, and that I want to go to grad school instead. He gave his permission.

I graduated last April and had dinner with my family and my boyfriend.

I got accepted into the MS Microbiology program of the Institute of Biology, University of the Philippines, Diliman. Now I'm on my first year.

I didn't get the scholarship program I applied for because I had 9 units of (read: too much) undergraduate courses to take.

I'm applying for this position in the University which I will talk more about if I get accepted.

In this new phase of my life, my energy is being drained by adult requirements instead of school. I applied twice for an NBI clearance for different purposes. I applied for the Civil Service Exam. I got a cedula. I got a barangay clearance and a barangay ID, my first government-issued ID. Not a registered voter yet, nor a licensed driver. I still have to work on those two. My next project is my TIN. I still have a long list of adult requirements to get, but I think I'll take a break after the TIN.

Adulthood isn't too welcoming, but I'm easily coping. I've queued longer and went back and forth to buildings in UP more, so  getting government ID's and other requirements did not surprise me.

I'd love to talk more about grad school, but maybe I'll wait a little bit longer until I'm stable. Meanwhile, please wish me luck on my job application.

PS

See my new tags grad school and adulthood? And read my About Me section, I tweaked it a little. Teehee.

Ssh...

Give all my secrets away.

A part of me wishes that I don't get in that school. I remember last Sunday when my dad asked me, "Ano'ng gagawin mo 'pag di ka pumasa sa [insert school here]?" I answered, "Ayaw kong mag-aral sa hindi [school 1] or [school 2]." Maybe it was the alcohol, I don't know, but it was the most honest answer I gave my dad since I can't remember when. I added that I will get a job, in a pharmaceutical company or a mining company, and retake the NMAT on December and retry my applications. What my dad said after was the most encouraging words I heard from him whenever I consider taking a different career. He told me that the company he works for is hiring biologists, although that job is only available abroad. At that moment, I thought he was considering it - that I can opt not to go to med school. I should have told him that I would love to get a master's degree in Microbiology instead. Because right now, that's what I want.

If I stay in UP, I will have a higher chance of getting an opportunity to get a PhD abroad. My thoughts about getting a PhD are still unsure, but I have already laid out my plans after graduation if ever my dad allows me to drop medicine. I will enroll in the MS Microbiology program right after graduation and teach part-time. After around two years, I can get a PhD or enter the industry. I promise I won't get stuck in the academe - it's the only thing I fear in getting a master's degree. If my dad won't allow me to study right after graduation, I will get a job, and then get a master's degree.

I actually made a list of the pros and cons of medicine and biology. What I discovered is that studying medicine will grant me five years of housing, food, clothing, gas, and everything paid for my parents, and that when I turn 30, it's the only time I will actually experience being an adult. Studying microbiology, on the other hand, will take all those housing, food, clothing, gas, and etc. allowance from me, but it will give me independence and happiness. There was this time when I gave our dog antibiotics and I felt...happy and warm. It's as if I would be happier giving our dog her medications than giving a human patient his. My dad also noticed that - that I take care of our dogs very well. He even said that maybe I should take veterinary medicine instead. Is that a sign?

Now I have to find a way to tell my dad about this decision soon so I can inform the Institute that I want to join the Microbiology group. And that I will accept teaching load.

I may have some mild depression. I have been down for around three weeks now - breaking down and sleeping a lot. I have lost a lot of weight - I know because my pants have become loose. I was actually considering telling my dad about this to ask him to get me a psychologist. What's worse is that I may have become alcohol-dependent - drinking just so the problems will go away and I can laugh my heart out.  But there's no need to worry, I did not initiate any drinking session this week because I am trying to cure myself. If I find myself sulking and crying again next week, I swear I'll tell my dad about this.

Here's another secret. Well, it's not actually a secret, but it will remain so until he notices. As difficult and painful as it is, I am setting him free. I only hope that I can get a little credit, a tap on the back and a heartfelt thanks. Just so I'll know it was worth it. Because right now I don't really know where to stand.

The Irony of Life

When you looked at the bright side of everything,
When you found time for family, friends, and work,
When you loved and expected nothing,
When you shared that smile to a stranger,
When you inspired the uninspired,
When you hoped for the hopeless.


When you finished something long before it's due,
When you finished something right before it's due,
When you believed in the doubtful.


When you let go for love,
When you let your heart break in exchange for his happiness,
When you needed him but you let him go,
When you silenced your protests,
When you cried but showed laughter,
When you did everything you could,
When you gave everything you had,
When you felt the most painful,
When you swallowed all your pride.

And that one person you did all those for took no notice.

Something New, Something Different

My sister gave me a planner, so I'm obliged to use it. I am also obliged to plan my life daily for the whole year. I normally don't use a planner because I trust my memory, but hey, it's worth a try. Maybe it could help de-clutter my life - what with thesis, org, and med.

What if...I try something new and/or different each month?

Obligatory End of Year Post

Here are some photos from my camera and a few from my friends'. Some of these you may have already seen here in my blog. Click a photo to enlarge. Happy viewing!

These are taken sometime January to March. New Year's Eve in Makati with relatives from Mom's side. Outreach program in an orphanage. Dinner with an old elementary classmate. And a friend's birthday in Ortigas.

Now I have a lot of summer photos.

Thai dinner with my sister. And Holy Week at Bangkong Kahoy.

I spent part of my summer in Sorsogon catching dragonflies and damselflies for my thesis. My field work ended with Dad picking me up in Legazpi and taking me to Tiwi where, after a long time, I had a taste of the famous DJC halo-halo again. It's the only halo-halo I enjoy eating. Some pictures here are from Laiya, where we spent a night. Unfortunately, I only have pictures of the shore because I was writing a paper.

We also spent a night at the Camayan Beach Resort in Subic with my aunt from New York and the rest of Mom's family. Of course we didn't forget to visit Zoobic Safari and see crocodiles, ostriches, camels, snakes, and tigers.

The last wave of summer I spent with my high school friends, this time in Sariaya, Quezon.

First week of classes, yay! This was also the first time I tried the BonChon Chicken in Katipunan. The other half of the collage is a celebration of my sister and Dad's birthdays, and Father's Day.

This summarizes my academic load during the first semester: animal physiology, cell biology, ecology, and plant morphology and anatomy. No picture of me working on my thesis, though. Hmm.

Parties! Plus ecology field work in Atimonan, Quezon.

And more parties! Sometime August the UP Zoological Society celebrated its 60th Anniversary. We also bade farewell to our animal physiology lab instructor.

September is the birthday of many. One of my sisters and I celebrate our birthdays in September. That guy over there is also a September baby. I got lots of surprises: from my male high school friends, my ka-bio, and my family. I had Mediterranean lunch with the latter.

My sister's birthday present for me is a ticket to the Phantom of the Opera. My aunt bought us dinner after - as a birthday present for us.

The first semester didn't end easy, but I'll skip on that. Here's a collage with my favorite girls (and Frank) during our graduation pictorial.

Second semester, yay! We won first runner-up in the annual College of Science Carolfest. Our contest piece was "Paskong Anong Saya", which ironically is one particular Christmas song I hate. Those on your right are from our Christmas party. Yep, I had my hair cut.

Can I afford to miss my last Pailaw and Lantern Parade in Diliman as an undergraduate? 

And then there's Holly, as in deck the halls with boughs of holly. She's a 2 month-old Labrador retriever. And as usual, we spent Christmas day visiting different extensions of our family.

Cheers!

Bring the hell weeks on

Today is officially the first day of my [hopefully] last semester as an undergraduate. And tonight is a lazy night where there are no reports to be written, scientific papers to be read, lectures to be studied, data to be processed, and events to be planned. Tonight is also an unfortunate night because I am sick when I haven't even been stressed yet. Now I am trying to get to sleep because I don't want to be late tomorrow and I'm saving all my free cuts for next year, preferably on February and March. The funny thing is I can't sleep because I'm not tired. And now I suddenly missed those stressful weeks when a minute is too precious to waste - when my mind is concentrated on nothing but school and it doesn't go pondering on other things that won't do me good.

Tonight my mind is pondering on those things which won't do me good. I can't wait for reports, scientific papers, books, my thesis, and event plans to pile on my bed while I sort them out and find which one needs to be attended immediately. Not getting enough sleep because of work is so much better than not getting enough sleep because of some shallow feelings. I can't wait for work to take my mind off unwanted feelings. I know it's temporary, but that's what works. I used to think that one should sort and/or fix his baggage so he could forget. But then I can't forget because I don't find it forgettable nor forgivable. I'll fix my own stuff in time. Until then, I'll work hard and serve selflessly.

Because that's what it takes to keep the story unfolding.

Hiccups

My acads are piling along with my thesis and I don't know how to stop them or to reduce the pile. What I know is I got hiccups after some beer. This is my first time to try to stay awake, write, and resist the oh-so inviting bed. What I know is I found myself in Sarah's comfort after finding myself scrolling down the endless news in Twitter - the kind of news I'd rather not mention. The only hint I can give you is I hate it, I don't want to talk about it, and it reduces much of my humanity ignoring it. Because I don't like the idea, therefore, I should not be involved with it or anything involved in it. But current events tick me, as if I must give a damn, show my cares, and I don't know, express my opinion? But no, I'd rather not. It will certainly result in the clash of ideas and I don't want it. Maybe I can still get through this without caring much about stuff. But omg I just want to return to my old self who values my principles so much

Three More Months

First wave of exams is over so I'm using this exam-free week to catch up with my thesis and, hopefully, maybe meet the deadlines I set for myself.

Let me tell you how I prepared myself for thesis week right after exam week. I watched Ice Age 4 and The Amazing Spiderman. I stress-ate at Burger King and I got bangs. I've been itching to have my hair cut short again, but hey, this is the longest hair I have had since I graduated from high school. For reasons I unconsciously make, I have never grown my hair long since 2009. And there's this creative shot we have to make for graduation photos and my friends want my hair long when the shot is taken.

I bought this oh-so precise ruler for my thesis. Measuring my specimens is difficult, but I'm enjoying using my new ruler. I should have bought calipers  for convenience, but it might damage my hard-earned specimens.

The reason I'm writing despite my busy schedule is that I miss you, Blogspot. I've been meaning to write fiction to satisfy these feelings stirring inside me but with everything going around, I can't seem to find time. And I'm sorta lacking inspiration. Maybe I'll write one some time this week.

I just want this term to end. For several reasons...

I feel like I'm the personification of stress right now.

The first month is over. And there are still four months left before the semester ends. I'm so tired that I feel like the semester is almost over. I'm not even half-way there! Every day is a busy day, seriously. I don't even have time to bring my clothes to laundry service. I go home late and I go to school early. My body feels so used. And I have this problem in coping with stress, it started just this month. I'm trying so hard to break the habit. Maybe I should switch to ice cream instead.

Thesis. My adviser is asking too much from my thesis. I don't even know where to start. And I have three unidentified specimens. I hope they're new species :>

Org stuff. 'Nuff said.

Cell biology, animal physiology, plant systematics. They're killing me. I can't wait to graduate and leave for med school. I want a fresh start. A reset. No history.

I'm thinking of getting a planner because I have so many deadlines to beat. Every week I have at least two things to submit or accomplish. But I scrapped that idea of getting myself a planner because (1) so far, I have never missed a deadline and (2) I don't want my life planned. I mean, I have plans - go to med school, travel around the world, have Siberian huskies. It's just that I feel my whole life has been planned since I was little and all I get to decide are minor ones like which courses to take this semester, what to wear today, who to be friends with. With a planner, I'll feel even more pressured. I just need a little spontaneity, that's all.

You know what, it's funny I still have time to think about other things with all those deadlines in my head. I still get the chance to stop and spare a thought for you. Maybe I'll just study more and get better than average grades. Or maybe jog around the campus to lose all the weight I accumulated from stress-eating/drinking. Maybe write a story or learn a new song in the piano. I don't know. Anything to fill those gaps in my clock. Because lately I have been longing to find someone to talk/rant to after each stressful day. Oh wait. There's Frank.

Sem-Starter Post

I should be telling you how exciting (and equally tiring) my summer was - chasing dragonflies and damselflies, climbing mountains, and swimming in the beach, but let me tell you tell you how I feel right now first.

School starts tomorrow and like most students, I'm not yet ready. Not even a little. My class starts at 7:30 AM and I'm still here at home, which means I have to travel around two hours to be at school before class. You see, I haven't found an apartment yet. I'm not even enrolled yet! I guess the best thing that happened to me this week was getting my thesis proposal approved. And maybe slowly starting to get a grip on my chairperson responsibilities whatever. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. This is the first time I proved to myself that high school is way different from college. That college is not just high school with more expensive books, like Serena van der Woodsen once said. And for the first time since that stupid summer, I felt like myself again, alive and strong. But still, those responsibilities are killing me. I never get some me-time! And then there's my thesis. Thank God, I'm halfway done with it. But my thesis adviser's really, really keen in dissecting your paper; he won't stop until you're sweating blood.

I'd like to start telling you about my summer and show you photos of my dragonfly and damselfly collection, but I need a place to stay in until Thursday night. I need to find a place I can settle in until even just the end of the semester. I'm sorry for the shameless ranting, but I bet no one reads this blog anyway. It's just that...I'm not spending the night drinking and celebrating the beginning of the semester like I always do. But things change. And so do people.

PS

See my About Me section over there? It says there GRADUATING, yay! But I don't really want to leave. Not just yet.

Farms and Valleys

My one week-long summer break is almost over. Though most of it I spent cooped inside the house playing various PC games, I must say that the little time I spent outside made my break a bit notable. That's due to a couple of reasons, one of which I'd rather keep to myself.

We visited the farm. It has been a long time since my last visit. I no longer visit as frequent as before because I was over catching and identifying insects. A lot of things have changed. There were no more sheep and piglets, only sows, chickens, catfish, and turkey chicks. 

We have three cute turkey chicks. This one wandered outside its house and got lost. It ended up with the chickens, looking like an ugly duckling. 

Unlike last summer, there were no lettuce, cauliflowers, and carrots to pick. But there were papayas and peppers.

And that's my sister showing off her dress.

She found these mushrooms growing out of a log, so we had a contest where the one who takes a better picture of the fungi wins.

We had our chickens for dinner. I guess you don't want to read (or see) how those free range chickens ended up on our plates so let me skip to the next day where we drove to the mountains.

We went to Bangkong Kahoy the next day. It's a valley, seated between Banahaw and San Cristobal. The weather was hot and sunny, but windy, which cools the given conditions. We had lunch and raspberry shake first before starting the tour. Did I mention how long the shakes were prepared because they still had to pick raspberries from their farm? 

There were lots of raspberries growing along the way. This one's still too sour to eat.

And then we rode along the zip-line. It wasn't that scary (in fact it's not scary at all) after you've crossed this...bridge. You have to cross the bridge so you can get to the other side and start the zip-line from there. Well this bridge, I refuse to call it hanging because it wasn't hung. It's more like...pinned to the ground. It's actually a wire mesh - some of its parts covered with wooden planks - narrow enough to accommodate your two feet. There were no handrails. You can either hold on to your harness or to the rope above your head where your harness is attached. It wasn't that bad if you don't mind crossing the bridge watching your feet and seeing a glimpse of the canopy of trees way below. You have to watch your feet because the bridge is narrow and you would certainly want to keep it balanced. Anyway, that's not the hard part. The bridge terminates by ascending to where the zip-line actually starts. Covering those last few meters up the slope was the hardest part, for most of us. My heart was beating really fast when I finally got to the other side. I feel like it wants to break free from my pericardial sac ribs. Too bad I can't show you how the bridge looked like. I hope I described it enough for you to imagine it, but this would help.

My sister wants us to go at the same time, so there.

It was a short ride, but it was scenic and breathtaking. Next time I'll try zip-lines where I can lie on my belly and face down.

My sister and my cousins went horseback riding after the zip-line experience until it was time for us to go home. I almost forgot to tell you that Bangkong Kahoy Valley offers trekking and bird watching! Too bad we don't have much time and most of us (my cousins which are children and my grandparents) can't go on a hike. Oh well, there's a huge possibility I'm taking field biology this summer, so hello mountain treks! I wish we can have a trip to the beach, even just once, and  maybe see fishes, starfishes, crabs, whatever. I'd really like to hit the beach right now.

For One Hell of a Sem

Tomorrow morning I'm finally going home to stay. My semester is officially over. Thank God. I finished packing two-thirds of my stuff yesterday. Tomorrow I'll pack the remaining third - dirty laundry and small stuff my handbag can carry. I bought a balikbayan box to stuff them in. Upon sorting my things, I found my bluebooks from way back my first semester in UP.

Those aren't all of them, I don't know where my other bluebooks had gone. The one on top is an exam in Philosophy 1. I kept it because it's the only exam where I got full points for my essay. And I enjoyed my Philo 1 with Sir Rubicon Soberano.


Under those bluebooks are my Math 17, 53, and 54 exams, Chem 16 exams, the only Chem 31 exam I passed, Geog 1 exam, Bio 12 and 180 exams, and...I can't remember the others.

I also found my first ever Form 5! I threw away all my other Form 5's since they had a different look since my second year. The new Form 5 just looked like a black print on white paper. I don't know where my Form 5 for the second semester of the academic year 2009-2010 had gone.

This is a "happy birthday greeting" my boyfriend made for me four years ago. There were three greetings, if I remember correctly, but I managed to save only one. He posted this one on the facade of the old building of our high school.

And this is my balikbayan box. It's going to stay at my friend's house for the whole summer. Around this time next year, I'd probably have two of those boxes, but they're not going to stay at my friend's house anymore. They would be taken home and then maybe would be taken to my new home, wherever my med school is. But who knows? Maybe I could get a master's degree instead and stay here in Diliman. OHGODILOVEDILIMANTOPIECES

Anyway, I'm so excited to go home, away from all the stress and pressure. Did I mention I passed that one subject which almost killed me? Ang sarap pumasa sa subject na buong sem mong iginapang. Now I'm just waiting for a Friday night out.

Lost

Remember those two things I told you about some posts ago? I didn't want to name those things until I'm sure of them. But since a lot of time has passed and so many things have happened, here you go: 

1. Thesis. Last year in our field trip in Laguna (for an Animal Taxonomy Elective, which btw is Entomology), I realized who my thesis adviser was going to be. He's no other than my Entomology instructor. I talked to him and expressed my intentions in late February this year and he immediately accepted me as his student. Two weeks ago I had lunch with him, together with my co-advisees, and we talked about our plans. It's funny how at that time I felt like my life was falling apart -  no direction, grades hanging loosely on a thread, but when I talked to him, I felt like he was putting me back on track. It's as if all the hard work for my studies and all are finally paying off. He approved of my topic; it's still a rough plan but we're planning to survey the diversity of dragonflies in some place in Sorsogon, Bicol in both wet and dry seasons.

2. Committee Chairperson. I ran for a position in our organization. Honestly, I never imagined myself doing that. But things happened and there I was, presenting my GPOA in the miting de avance. I got the position, which means a busier year ahead for me. On August, we will be celebrating our 60th anniversary and we have big plans. We want a golden age.

So there you have it, thesis and the 60th anniversary. I wanted something to spend my time on. My past years in college consisted of me pulling someone to do this and that with me. It was like everyone was starting on their lives and I was stuck there, asking them to sit with me and waste time. I thought I just couldn't move on, but in fact, I chose to remain unmoved and delayed people from moving on. All along I thought I was doing a good thing saving my time for them but in truth, I was just a selfish person asking for much of their time just because I wanted them to be bored with me. I ended up turning my back on opportunities that would help me move on and grow. It's sad thinking that I wasn't like this when I was in high school. I was stronger and braver back then. I had dreams and I was determined to make them come true. It's sad how a simple lie can give you trauma and suck all the strength and courage within you.

Even with those two things planned for me next school year, I can't help but feel lost. I don't know whether to take summer classes (to lessen my load next year) or not because I'm still waiting for my thesis adviser's go signal. He's supposed to make arrangements for the survey if we intend to gather data for the dry season. March and April are the best months to collect dragonflies. He hasn't informed me yet whether he had arranged everything or not, so I'm stuck here waiting for him.

I'm thinking of my thesis, but I'm not even sure of passing all 17 units this semester. I don't even care about my scholarship anymore. I don't care if I get a 3.00 in all my subjects. Just...let me pass.

I will be taking the NMAT on Sunday, but I'm not yet prepared. Instead of studying, I'm writing this and reading tweets about tips for the NMAT. Honestly, I'm having doubts in going to med school. I was so sure of wanting to be a surgeon until this year. One time last year I told my dad how much I'm enjoying Biology. He asked me if I wanted to be a biologist instead. He told me that either is fine. But I told him that I wanted to be a doctor, it's just interesting what biologists do. But what would people say if they learned I no longer want to be a doctor? That I got afraid of studying for another four or five years? But who the hell cares about what other people think?

And then there's this feeling that I'm starting to love UP. For a long time I have been itching to leave UP and start anew. I hated UP because it gave me lot of painful memories. It reminded me of all the sadness, and anger, and lies, and secrets, and ghosts who still haunt me in my sleep. But right now it feels like all those got buried, except for the ghosts. I have been seeing them in my nightmares for two consecutive nights now. Just when I'm starting to enjoy, everything approaches the end. Next year is my last year as an undergrad in UP (hopefully, or not) and I don't want to leave yet. It was only last week when it has sunk to me that there is NO med school around Diliman. I'm leaving Diliman for sure. It's not that I'm afraid to leave my comfort zone; I just want to live in it a little longer. I'm even thinking of delaying my thesis for one semester, but that won't help if I'm going to med school. What if I take a master's degree? In microbiology, perhaps, or in marine science biology? But refusing to go to med school and pursuing a master's degree instead because I don't want to leave Diliman is not a good reason.

But what I really want to do right now is leave everything behind, escape reality. I try to sleep whenever I feel lonely, but those ghosts I mentioned before, they haunt me. Even sleep can't give me an escape. I just want to lie here on my bed, watch movies or listen to The Script and Coldplay. I didn't even go home today (in Muntinlupa) because I feel so stressed and depressed. I just want to travel far, faraway where no one can find me. And make no decisions. Just let the wind take me.